


A Silent God

by alouise



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Mute Harry, but harry just cries a lot, ed niall and zayn are harry's very protective friends, harry's a bit of a crier, i warned you, idk what happened to this fic honestly, larry stylinson - Freeform, liam is a school teacher, louis is very sure about his feelings for harry, recording tapes of harry singing when he was young, there's a whole lot of fluff in this fic, zarry is very very very minutely shown in this fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-10
Updated: 2014-12-23
Packaged: 2018-01-18 18:35:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 42,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1438546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alouise/pseuds/alouise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is an exchange student from London invited to study in Hawaii for ten months. He lives in a foster home with an attractive boy who refuses to make a single sound. His name is Harry Styles, and what Louis wants, more than he is willing to admit, is to hear Harry's voice before his time is up. But Harry has other ideas. Dirtier, naughtier ones.</p>
<p>or the one where Harry doesn't speak, and Louis realizes he's falling desperately in love with the boy without a voice</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, Larry people! So this is my first ever Larry fic I'm ever seriously going to finish (I was too lazy to go and type the previous ones out, and in effect I now can't find the files...). I'm really excited for this one, and kind of nervous how it'll turn out. Thank you for this, it means a lot to me. :) Enjoy!  
> -A

_Harry_

It still haunts me, up to this day. It's been ten months since the incident, and still the awful memory is there, hovering at the back of my mind, ready to come out and torture me over and over the moment I drift off to sleep.

The same nightmare that visits every night comes to me tonight. I am driving the old car, and she is there beside me, laughing as usual. It is nighttime, and we are driving back home from the movies. We decided that we had to bond as siblings before she leaves Hawaii for college, hence the going out together and being mistaken as a couple yet again.

We are actually laughing about that the moment the deer jumps out from the trees at the side of the road. I don't see it at first because I am looking at her, but then when her eyes slide to the road and she screams, I see the deer and immediately swerve the car to the right. The car hits a tree hard at the side, and I am knocked out because I hit my head on the dashboard, but not before I see my sister's bleeding head by the broken glass window.

All this happens in slow motion, of course, courtesy of my subconscious that awakens these dreams. I see my fingers tapping the steering wheel, her shoulders shaking as she laughs, her eyes growing wide with fear, the sound of shattering glass, and the blood oozing from her head like some kind of twisted, bloody syrup. And then I see her eyes, eyes usually full of mirth and laughter, now glassy and dead.

I jerk awake with a silent scream. Even now, I don't make a sound. I am sweaty, scared and tangled in the sheets of my bed. Tears are trickling down my face, and my chest feels like it's been used as a punching bag by the world's best boxers.

I bury my head into my hands and open my lips to scream silently. I haven't talked since that day. Gemma's voice echoes in my ear, the voice she can never use again, the voice I will never get to hear once more. I have stopped singing too, remembering the nights I used to sing to her whenever she asked all too well. I can’t use my voice, not when she can’t use hers anymore.

Not when it’s my fault she’s dead.

 ***

I stay awake the rest of the night, too afraid to close my eyes and face the dangers of sleep. When the sun comes up, I climb out of my bed and head to the kitchen. As usual, I make breakfast for my mother and I.

My mother was like a vegetable after the day my dad left us when I was eight. She just suddenly shut down and sat like a dead woman all day, not eating anything Gemma cooked. She stared off into space, eyes wide and unseeing, and she sometimes talked to herself too, but never to us. Gradually, Gemma's insistence caused her to eat again. She started walking around once more and, even if she did not talk, Gemma and I were relieved to see her up and about. Though I have grown to hate my mother for her weakness, I could never bring myself to tell Gemma about it. She loved my mother incessantly.

And then Gemma died.

And it was suddenly like my mother woke up from an eight-year stupor. She started cleaning the house again, planting her usual herbs and leafs out at the back and sometimes helping with the dishes. It is me now who has withdrawn. I still am around most of the time, but it is as if my tongue was cut out in that accident. I don't utter a sound, not a single word. As soon as I leave the house, I seek for destruction, for pleasure, for anything that can get my mind off the incident. I have had sex more times than I can count, with both boys and girls.

I am setting down the plates on the table when my mother comes in the kitchen. She nods me a good morning, and I nod back. She sits as I bring her eggs and bacon. She nods me a thank you, and I nod back. I get my own share of food, sit across her and start to eat.

Silence.

I feel the heat of her gaze from the other side of the table, and I try to ignore it. Then she does something that is never done when we eat together. She breaks the silence.

"Harry."

I freeze, stopping mid-chew. I look up at her and she looks cautious, as if unsure of how to say what she is going to say. This is the first time she has spoken to me in a week.

She takes a deep breath. "Mr Payne told me that we have been assigned to take in an exchange student."

I frown.

"The boy is your age, and he is from England. Liam - Mr Payne thought it would be best that he assigned him to us since we are English, too."

My frown deepens.

"Your school wants him to feel at home, you see. His name is Louis Tomlinson."

I almost snort. At home? In Hawaii? I can imagine this Louis boy already, pale and freckled and skinny, so vulnerable already in my head.

Then I lick my lips. I can probably have some fun with him.

My mother catches the change in my expression, and her face turns stern. "Now, Harry, I know what you have been up to since - since the incident, and Louis is a good, proper boy, and I don't want him to be involved in all your troublemaking-"

I scowl at her, and she effectively shuts her mouth. I stand up, leaving my breakfast unfinished, and head out to the beach.

When my bare feet touch the warm sand, I break into a run. _Fuck what my mother says. Fuck what Mr Payne says. I'm going to fuck someone right now._

It's still a little early for anyone to be on the beach, though there are some early birds dotting the coastline. I am only looking for one particular boy, with dark skin, dark hair and dark eyes. Zayn has been my most common outlet for sex. He also just recently went through the death of a loved one, and we both seek each other out, searching for solace in another person's embrace. We understand each other, more than we understand ourselves.

"Too early for a swim, innit?" I spin around and there Zayn is, shirtless under the sun. His tan skin glows, and I long for him to bring me in his warm embrace and fuck the senses out of me. I grab him and kiss him fully on the lips in front of everyone on the beach to see, and he makes a surprised sound against my lips. Then he melts into me, taking control and flicking his tongue against mine. I grip his arms, gasping against his mouth.

Then I pull myself away from him and look at him dead in the eye. _Fuck me, Malik._

His breath hitches. "Too early for a fuck, innit?" he breathes out, but then he leads me into the cover of the trees, out of sight. He slams me against a tree and resumes our kiss, his hips undulating against mine. I gasp, impatient for his cock. Then I bite on his lip, and he knows what I want. He is too familiar with me now, with the little signs I give to him whenever we do this.

He spins me around and slips my board shorts down until my ass is exposed. Then he gets on his knees and sticks his tongue in my hole without a warning, making me jerk soundlessly above him. His slick muscle worms its way inside me, warm and wet. When I am properly lubricated and relaxed, he pulls his tongue out and gets back up. He pushes his shorts down and grabs his cock, pumping it and smearing his own pre cum all over the length. I look at him and watch as he does this, little gasps escaping from my lips. Then our eyes meet and he leans in for a sweet kiss.

And then I feel his cock nudging my entrance, and I break the kiss to face the tree and grip the bark. The lubrication is not enough, his pre cum is not enough, but - _oh_ \- the burn is amazing, heating my ass up and making it sting so much that it feels so good. Pretty soon, Zayn's dick is thrusting into me, trying to find the spot that will make me go wild. My gasps and his moans mingle in the air as I push my hips back to meet his, desperate for more friction. Then his angle changes and he meets the spot, and I throw my head back and pull him even deeper. He thrusts in faster and his moans get louder, his grip on my hips tightening. The heat at the pit of my stomach is building, I am almost very nearly there, just one last thrust-

With a contained moan at the back of my throat, I spill my seed onto the trunk, then I feel Zayn give one last thrust into me before freezing, shooting his seed in my arse as he moans my name out without a care in the world.

When we both come down from our high, we put our shorts back on and face each other. On Zayn's face is an expression of concern. He touches my cheek. "What's happened to you, love?"

I didn’t bring my notebook with me, making it impossible for me to tell him what my mother said. But then I get an idea. I grab his hand and pull him back out to the beach, and the warm sand. I sit down and tap the space beside me. He settles down, and I begin to write on the sand.

I write, _Foreign exchange student._

Zayn says, “Yeah, I heard one is coming from England. That’s where you lived before you moved here, right?”

I nod. I moved here when I was six. Then I draw an arrow from the first three words, then at the end of the arrow I write, _Goes to us._

Zayn’s eyes widen. “You mean, she’ll live with you?”

I shake my head. _He._

Then Zayn’s brow creases with worry. “Harry, it’ll still be us… right?”

And I am immediately guilty about my not-so-pure thoughts on Louis awhile ago. Although I have fucked and been fucked by so many others, Zayn looks to only me for sex because he knows that only I understand him. He’s worried I might leave him alone.

In answer to his question, I nod my head vigorously and take his hands into mine. I look at him straight in the eye and hope my message gets across. _I won’t leave you._

He searches my face, and then he breathes out a sigh of relief. “Thank you, Harry.” Then he brings me into a tight, warm hug, and we cling to each other on the sand, not knowing that the subject of our conversation is already standing not far off from us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that is the first chapter of my first ever Larry fic! Please comment below and tell me what you think about it. :) Thank you for making it this far! And don't worry, Louis and Harry are meeting up in the next chapter. ;) Til next time!  
> -A


	2. Chapter 2

_Louis_

The first thought that enters my mind when the plane lands in Hawaii is sun. The sun shines on this country unashamedly, unabashedly, whereas in England we almost never see the sun. Its rays stream through the plane window, and I bask in the heat it gives off. I wish my little sisters, my mum and Eleanor are here with me. They would love the sun even more than I will.

I go through the usual airport things-to-do, itching to get out of the colorless building and under the warm rays of the sun. When I am finally cleared and I have all my baggage with me, I step out the doors of the airport and am almost blinded. Everything on this island glows in the sunlight. I have been here only fifteen minutes and I love it already.

"Mr Louis Tomlinson?"

I spin around when I hear my name. Behind me stands a guy in the typical flowery Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda-blue shorts and brown Havaianas. He's quite muscular and tall, with honey-brown cropped hair and warm brown eyes.

"Hi, I'm Liam Payne, your agent for this trip. Welcome to Hawaii!" Then he takes out a necklace of bright flowers and hangs it on my neck. He smiles. "Looks good on you. And by the way, I'm actually not an agent, I'm just a teacher from the local school." He leans in. "I just like how _agent_ sounds." He winks.

I laugh. "Thanks, Mr Payne. Wait, should I call you Mr Payne? Or Liam, or whatever they call you here-"

"Just call me Liam." He chuckles. "Quite a mouth you've got on you, don't you?"

I wink. "The best."

He laughs once more. "Come on, Louis, we better get started on the tour of this island."

Then I look around, searching for more people that will greet me. "Aren't I going to have a foster family or something? It was written in the guidebook. They're not going to jump out at me suddenly, are they?" I joke.

Then Liam freezes midturn. I can't see his face when he says, "Sorry, Louis, they couldn't come to fetch you today," but his voice suddenly sounds strained.

 _That's weird._ "Oh. Alright, it's fine," I say, attempting to be cheery. I guess it works, because he gives me a smile before offering to help me with my suitcases.

We bring my suitcases to his car, which looks slightly beaten up but decent nonetheless. We chat about my life in England, and I mostly mention how different the sun looks there than from here.

"Well... it's still the same sun, innit?" Liam says as he starts the engine.

I smile and look up to the sun as long as I can manage before looking away again before I go blind. "Yeah, it is."

"We'll be going first to your foster home to drop your stuff." Again, his voice sounds different when he mentions my foster home. "Sounds good?"

"Brilliant!" I answer with a shout, and that seems to break the ice because he laughs, and then starts to drive to my foster home.

The drive is quite long, but it isn't boring like I thought it would be. Liam is a nice person to talk to, going along with the crazy things I say unlike others who just laugh me off or look at me like I'm crazy.

Then I ask a question that has been bugging me the whole ride. "What's my foster family like?"

And it's suddenly like a tension comes into the car, and when I look at the rearview mirror Liam's lips are in a tight line. "You'll meet them soon enough," he says with a tight smile.

I nod, and nothing else related to my foster home is mentioned for the rest of the ride.

***

"We're here," Liam announces as we pull up in front of a quaint, cream-colored house. It is simple and innocent, with a little porch up front and flowery plants growing at the front and sides of the square two-storey house. The front of the house faces the beach, which is not very far away, so where the gravel of the driveway ends the warm stretch of sand begins. On the right side of the house is a thicket of palm trees lining the beach, and on the left are more houses that look more or less identical to my foster home.

"It's really... cute," I manage, because there isn't really any other way to describe the house.

Liam laughs, and if I'm not mistaken it's a little forced. "Speechless for once, are you?"

I make myself laugh with him in order to shake off the nerves that have been building in my stomach for the past few minutes. What is it about my foster family that has Liam so uptight?

"Come on, Louis! I can't lug around both your suitcases, you know, they're quite heavy," Liam says from the trunk of the car, and I hurry to him, taking my other suitcase in my hand.

"Sorry," I apologize with a sheepish smile, and he waves me off as we head to the house.

"Alright, so a little introduction before you go in. Anne, your foster mum, is a very warm woman. She likes to plant - hence all the herbs you see around the house - and she's English. She's still got some of the accent," Liam begins as we climb up the porch steps.

"Aren't you English, too?" I inquire, and he nods, shooting me a wink.

"Thought you might have noticed," he says, then we stop in front of the door. "There's... someone else. You've got a - a foster brother. He's a bit more on the wild side, and he's a year younger than you. I'm hoping you and he can get along." Liam shoots me a tight smile. "His name is Harry."

I nod dutifully. "Right, Anne and Harry. Do I call Anne by her name? Or do I add an _aunt_ before it?"

Liam chuckles. "You have to ask her that yourself." Then he becomes fidgety, not making eye contact with me. My heartbeat quickens; why is he so nervous? It's making me nervous too.

He takes a deep breath and continues. "There's... something else about your foster brother. Harry, that is. You see, Harry doesn't-"

The door then flies open, and a rather tall, brown-haired woman with twinkling eyes stands in the doorway, blinking at us. Then, hr face breaks into a sunny smile and she says, looking directly at me, "You must be Louis! Welcome to Hawaii, my dear." Then she gives me a hug, and I immediately start to miss my own mother.

"Thank you, Anne," I say, hugging her back for a brief moment before pulling away. "Can I call you Anne? Or would you prefer if I call you Aunt Anne?"

She laughs, and it's an oddly loud laugh, as if she doesn't really laugh much. "It's alright, Louis, you can just call me Anne," she says.

"Alright. Liam's told me all about you," I say.

"Oh, did he?" Anne smiles; she always seems to be smiling. "He's an old family friend, you see. Almost like family already."

Liam smiles, almost shyly. "Glad to hear it, Anne." He seems to be rather comfortable around Anne, so she is obviously not what he is so worried about. So could it be... Harry?

"Oh, where are my manners? Please, both of you, come in!" Anne says, holding the door open for us and beckoning me in.

I start to walk inside, but then Liam puts an arm out to block my way. I look at him, frowning in confusion. "Louis, I need to speak with Anne in private for a while. You wanted to take some pictures of the beach for your girlfriend, right? I guess you can do it now," Liam says in the same strained voice, exchanging a glance with Anne.

I back away, not wanting to get caught up in any old family-friend spats. "It's fine. I'll just set my suitcase here and bring it in later."

"Nonsense!" Anne exclaims. "We'll bring it in for you." She uses both hands to take it from me, heaving slightly. I wonder if I shouldn't have packed so many of my shoes. Looking back, I shouldn't have brought five pairs of Toms. "Now, off you go, and don't be out too long!"

I chuckle. She is starting to sound like my real mom. "I won't," I say, then I turn and jog to the beach, not before seeing Anne and Liam exchange another mysterious glance.

When I get on the actual beach, I take my shoes off to feel the sand under my feet and look around. I see that aside from me, only a few other people are on it: three kids building a sand castle, a couple walking on the waterline of the beach, and two boys around my age sitting on the sand a few ways off with one of them drawing on the sand with his finger.

I squint at them. The one drawing has his back faced to me, but I see that he has dark brown curly hair swept away by the ocean breeze. Curly is tanned, lighter than the locals here but still darker than me, though I'm a bit tan myself. The other boy is facing me, with dark hair, eyes and skin; he seems to be a local. But the shape of his nose imply otherwise. He seems to have some kind of different blood in him. He is shirtless, and he seems to glow in the sun.

I turn away from them and take my phone out, snapping pictures of the beach from every angle. Eleanor would want to see all of it. She would definitely love to be here in Hawaii too.

I am reviewing the pictures on my phone when all of a sudden two hands clamp tightly over my eyes. Panic grips me and I yelp as my phone is snatched from my hand, then suddenly my feet are off the ground, and I am being carried away to the direction of... the water?

A low, mischievous voice speaks in my ear. "Welcome to Hawaii, exchange student." And then suddenly I'm being thrown to the side, and there's this moment where I can see again and the sea is hurtling towards me and-

 _Splash!_ I hit the water and go under, floundering around for a while in shock, disbelief and the fear I'm going to drown. Then I discover I'm in a very shallow part of the ocean, so I tough my feet to the sand below and stand up straight, flicking my wet hair back. The water comes up only to my waist. I cough repeatedly, hoping I didn't swallow too much salt water. _What the fuck was that?_  I look down at myself and groan; my favorite jeans are soaked through!

Then I hear someone's laughter ahead of me and look up. By the waterline stand the two boys sitting on the sand awhile ago, the dark one laughing loudly and Curly chuckling to himself silently. I finally get to see Curly's face; defined eyebrows, a straight nose, cute dimples on both cheeks and full lips that look way too feminine. He's tall and lean, his arms are muscular and his tanned legs seem to go on and on forever. He has his shirt on, but I can only imagine his bronze stomach. And when you look at his eyes, his bright green eyes, they give off so much emotion I find I can't look away.

"Oi! I think you need some drying off to do!" the dark one shouts out to me, but it's like I can't tear my eyes away from the other boy. Curly stops smiling and stares right back at me, the expression on his face so open and searching that I flush. His eyes travel downwards to my white now-see-through wet shirt, and he smirks. I redden even more.  _What the fuck? What the hell was I thinking? I'm not gay! I have a girlfriend!_

"Oi, I was speaking to you, England boy!" The dark one seems angry, and then Curly snaps his head to him and whacks him on the arm. He frowns at the dark one and shakes his head.

"What now, Harry? He was staring at you like a dumbass!

_Wait. Harry?_

My mouth opens in shock. "Are you Harry?" I blurt out before I can stop myself. My voice comes out raspy, probably from the saltwater.

Curly turns to me again and smiles, his dimples showing. He nods. I cock my head. Why doesn't he just say anything?

Then he drops to his knees and starts to write something on the sand. I stand in the ocean awkwardly, not knowing what to do. The dark one glares openly at me, and I try to ignore him.

When Curly-who-is-now-Harry finishes writing, he stands up and beckons me to come nearer. With a furtive glance at the dark one, I walk closer to Harry, trying not to notice the way his eyes light up when he smiles. I look down at the sand, and see his loopy handwriting saying:  _"Welcome to Hawaii, Louis! <3"_

I flush again at the heart. Could my foster brother be gay? I glance at him before I can stop myself, and he captures my eyes with his. He smiles and winks at me, handing back my phone.

Well. This is going to be an interesting ten months.


	3. Chapter 3

_Harry_

It was fun watching Louis flounder in the shallow part of the sea. It was cute seeing him blush at my flirty wink. But it had been a whole different feeling when I felt his eyes travel downwards my body then back up to my eyes, where he held them with no shame.

I felt my blood rush in me, making me feel heady with pleasure. I couldn’t stop the smirk that curled my lips. He’s attracted to me. He’s lusting after me. And I will do all I can in my power to seduce him to fuck me.

He’s actually quite the Adonis himself. Though he’s a little shorter than I am, he has just the right amount of muscle on himself too. When he gorgeously stood up from the water and flicked his hair like a god, I licked my lips to check out his tanned six-pack abs through his wet shirt and his strong arms. It was fun teasing him too, making him notice that I was checking him out.

Right now, we are walking alone to my house. He’s still dripping wet from being thrown into the ocean. At least he didn’t have his shoes on; the ones he is holding right now by the tips of his fingers look really expensive. I am quiet, as usual, and he seems to be fighting an internal war in his mind. I can practically hear the questions screaming from his brain: _Harry, why aren’t you saying anything? Harry, who was the other guy? What was his problem? Harry, why did you throw me out in the sea? And why do you look like a fucking sex god? Harry? Harry?_

Okay, maybe I just put the extra _Harry’s_ in there because I like the way he says my name.

I chuckle internally. As they say, silence speaks louder than words.

I hold my hand out, silently asking for his phone so I can type out a message to him. He looks at me, as if surprised I’m noticing him, and he says in a slightly panicked voice, “Wha – me? What do you want?”

I point at his phone, and he narrows his eyes. His eyes are impossibly blue, cerulean like gems of the ocean. “You’re not going to throw me in the sea again, are you?” I smile and shake my head, and after a moment he hands it to me. I open it (it doesn’t have a password, thank God) and go to notes. I type in a message and then show him the screen.

“ _’My friend’s name is Zayn’_ ,” he reads out loud, and then looks at me. “Oh, Mr Tall-Dark-And-Handsome? Cool. I’m sure he throws everyone to the sea when he first meets them.”

My shoulders shake as I laugh silently. _Mr Tall-Dark-And-Handsome? That’s new._ I type in, _Sorry. I told him about you just then and he kind of wanted to make it clear to you to stay away from me._

He whistles when he finishes reading. “Well, this is the first time I’ve met such an overprotective boyfriend. You’re lucky, you know that, right?”

I have a hard time controlling my laughter when he winks at me. I shake my head as I type in, _He isn’t my boyfriend._

My shoulders are still shaking with my silent laughter when Louis finishes reading. Then he glances at me and says, “Why don’t you laugh? Are you playing a silent game or something?”

I flinch, all humour gone. Then I type in his phone, _Something like that._

He reads it, and then he nods. “Well, if you’re finished with your game, let me be the first to know. I’d like to hear you laugh.” His kind smile catches me off guard, and my heartbeat starts to quicken. His blue eyes are looking straight into me, easing my heart out, my voice out. I can’t look away from him. My voice jumps in my throat, already there, so close to saying one word, just one word to him. Then I catch myself.

_No._

I look away from him, from his dangerous ocean eyes, and hand him his phone, then start to sprint towards my house.

“Wha – hey! Why are you running?” comes his bewildered shout, and then I hear his loud footsteps thumping behind me. I run up the porch steps and dash into the house. When I enter the kitchen, I see Liam and my mum sitting at the table. The sight makes me feel sick – _Gemma should be there sitting beside Liam_ – so I run up the stairs to my bedroom and slam the door shut, breathing heavily.

I slump against the door, catching my breath. _I almost just made a sound there, right in front of Louis, right when he said he would like to hear me laugh._

If Louis asks me again, I would probably speak for him. And I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t. I can’t, because of Gemma.

I hear the front door bang open and Louis shout, “Harry!” downstairs. I cover my ears with my hands and squeeze my eyes shut, blocking him and his face and his beautiful eyes and his haunting voice in my mind.

“ _I would like to hear you laugh.”_

I have to guard myself around Louis. He makes me feel like I deserve to speak, to use my voice again. But I don’t deserve it. Not when Gemma is dead.

**

_Louis_

After I burst into my foster home and embarrass myself by shouting “Harry!” right in front of Liam and Anne with my clothes dripping wet, Liam tells me to change out of my soaked-through clothing as he will bring me on that tour around the island. He will show me the most important spots in the city, the places where I will most frequent.

We first go to the school, which looks considerably new and very American, and then he brings me to a local coffee shop called Hawaii Beans which is very popular among the teenage students my age. Then he brings me to a mall, where people my age hang out, and then a popular fast food place in the mall called Gobblers which mostly sells big-ass burgers, dozens of fries and even tacos. We eat our lunch there, Liam being kind enough to pay for me at the counter.

“I’ll pay for your food first, but when you’ve stayed here long enough, you’re going to have to treat me out,” Liam says teasingly as we find ourselves a table. We sit across each other and start to dig in our food, mine being their popular Cheese N’ Chick burger and his their overflowing nacho salad.

After a while of companionable silence, I ask a question that has been bugging me since Harry told me he was playing a silent game. “So, Liam…” He looks at me, chewing on a nacho. “Do you know about Harry’s silent game?”

Liam freezes mid-chew, then shakes his head slowly. He is avoiding my eyes. Then he swallows, and he says, “I don’t think I should be the one you ask about that, Louis.”

I snort. “So who am I going to ask? Harry? He seems pretty quiet to me,” I say sarcastically. “And I can’t just ask Anne for the reason why her son doesn’t make a single peep.”

Liam sighs and stares at his food for so long that I worry he’s become a statue when he mumbles, “It’s been ten months.”

“Ten months since he last spoke?” I ask.

Liam nods. “Yeah. Ten months since the incident.”

I couldn’t hear him clearly, so I said, “Sorry? Harry was in an accident?”

“No. Well, yes. They both were,” Liam said, still mumbling to himself.

I get impatient. “Would you please stop speaking in riddles and answer my question?”

Then Liam shoots a glare at me so scathing that I immediately feel guilty. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” I say, holding up my hands on either side.

Then Liam sighs and closes his eyes. “I’m sorry, Louis, it’s just… this isn’t a light thing to talk about.” He looks weary, tired, beaten down, as if he were the one that experienced the accident himself.

“I’m sorry, it’s alright if you don’t explain-“

“No, I think you need to know why,” Liam says. I look at him questioningly, and he shrugs. “Everyone on the island knows why.”

I nod. “Okay. I’m ready.”

Liam eyes me for a second, then takes a deep breath and tells me the story of Harry, his sister, the deer and Gemma’s death.

When he finishes, the sun is already setting outside. My unfinished fries are soggy and cold, and it looks like Liam’s nachos aren’t doing so well either.

“And ever since her funeral, Harry hasn’t spoken a word,” Liam finishes sadly. “Not to his mother, not to me, not to the police. He thinks he’s responsible for his sister’s death.”

I don’t say anything. For once, I am truly speechless. What kind of sixteen-year old punishes himself like that for something that wasn’t even his fault? He still deserves to speak. He shouldn’t beat himself up. His sister would never allow it, I’m sure.

Then – dread. “Shit,” I curse, staring at my soggy fries in horror.

“What?” Liam says, alarmed.

“I – I swear I didn’t mean to! That was probably why he… why he ran from me…” I babble, guilt rising like lava in a volcano.

“What? What are you talking about?” Liam insists.

I look at him, regret gnawing at me. “I told Harry I wanted to hear his laugh this morning. That’s why he ran up to his room.”

An overprotective look goes over Liam’s eyes. “Louis! How could you?” he says, his voice rising.

“I didn’t know, okay?” I say, starting to panic. Then I look at Liam with horrified eyes. “What if he’s…” I trail off. What if he does something else to himself? What if he starts physically harming himself? I may be overreacting, but judging by the look on Liam’s face, it’s not impossible.

I stand up from my chair quickly. “We have to leave now, Liam. I have to apologize to him now.”

Liam stands up quickly, and heads to the door with a determined look on his face. “We had better get going then.”

On the way back home, we don’t say a thing. I am caught up in thoughts of Harry, of his depression, of his self-inflicted punishment. I still feel regret in me. Guilt eats me from inside out. _I asked a depressed, mute person to laugh for me._ I whack myself on the head mentally.

Then, when we are passing by the road of trees where Liam told me the accident happened, he says, “Don’t feel bad, Louis. I think… I think you’ll be good for Harry.”

I glance at him through the rearview mirror, and he smiles at me. I manage to pull my lips up to smile back, but it doesn’t meet my eyes.

Nobody says a word for the rest of the car ride.

**

As soon as my feet hit the ground, I rush into the house. I see Anne in the kitchen, and I ask her where Harry is.

“He’s probably in his room,” Anne says with a tight smile. “Go up the stairs, second door to your left.”

I thank her and bound up the stairs, pausing in front of Harry’s door to catch my breath. _Please, don’t do anything stupid, Harry._ I take a deep breath, knock thrice and wait.

Nobody answers.

“Harry?” I call out. “It’s Louis. I need to talk to you.”

Still no answer.

I begin to wonder if he’s asleep and if I should just talk to him tomorrow morning when I hear something creak… from above me. I look up at the ceiling and almost get a heart attack, because there Harry is, poking his head out from some kind of trapdoor in the ceiling. I am speechless for a moment, and we stare (I more of gape, actually) at each other for a good minute.

I clear my throat. “How – how did you get up there?”

Then he gives me a small smile, and makes a motion with his hands for me to step back. I do, and then he reaches behind him and drops down a rope ladder that reaches until my knees.

I reach for it and grasp both sides. It’s pretty sturdy. “This is so cool,” I say under my breath. Then I look up at Harry and smile. “I’ve always wanted a secret hideout.”

He smiles widely back at me – _are those dimples even real?_ – and puts a finger to his mouth, indicating to me to be quiet. I nod back mutely, dazzled for a moment by his charming grin.

Then he cocks his head and raises an eyebrow as if to say, _What are you waiting for?_ I realize I’ve been staring at him for quite a while, so I snap out of my dangerous thoughts and shake my head, put off by the direction my head is taking. I wonder if I should still go up to him, but what the heck, I don’t have a secret hideout in my ceiling back at home. So I start to climb up his loft, step by step.

When I reach the top, he offers his hand to help me up. I take it, and he pulls me up easily, and suddenly we’re chest to chest, nose to nose, palm to palm… Is that a Rihanna song? I don’t remember, because all I can think about is how my world has narrowed down to Harry’s beautiful green eyes staring right back into mine in the dim light of the room and his warm breath washing over my lips.

I make a kind of pathetic whimpering sound at the back of my throat, and Harry smiles slowly, as if knowing how much he affects me, how much he makes me feel hot all over. His green eyes see right through me, like he is capable of seeing my soul. I wouldn’t find it hard to believe if he could.

Then suddenly he is leaning in, and I know he is about to kiss me, and panic grips me as he comes closer because-

“I have a girlfriend,” I blurt out in panic. He freezes in front of me, his eyes covered by his curly fringe. He starts to pull backward, and I sigh in relief. Thank heavens that kiss didn’t happen or-

Then suddenly I’m being hoisted up into the dark room and pushed onto the floor. I hit my head hard, and before I can get my bearings, I feel Harry climb on top of me and sit on my hips, our groins touching. I start to protest, but then it happens.

He grabs my face and kisses me.

All else fades away and my head starts to spin as his lips meet mine. His lips are warm and supple, so inviting. Heat floods my body as we kiss on the attic floor, and all those kisses with Eleanor and past girls fall away. It’s like I’m having my first kiss all over again. Believe it or not, butterflies start dancing in my stomach as I feel Harry’s thumb gently caressing my cheek. I instinctively wrap my arms around Harry to pull him closer, to kiss him deeper.

Then he grazes his tongue on my bottom lip, and I open my mouth to allow his tongue to meet mine. I gasp at the contact, sparks flying all the way to my dick. With a desperate groan, I roll my hips into his. I feel him smile against my lips, and then we start to grind against each other. Our kiss starts to heighten in passion as pleasure rolls in waves within me. His hands transfer to my hips, and he grips me tight as he makes amazing figure eights with his hips. I run my hands through his soft curls as we make out, groins rubbing and tongues clashing. I feel so lightheaded and out of my mind, I barely hear the grunts and curses that slip out of my mouth. My whole world has become Harry’s lips, hands, hips and dick, and I have never been so out of it when making out.

Then suddenly Harry freezes, and then lets out a gust of air into my mouth. I frown and wonder what just happened, and then realize it when he looks down at me with a smile and makes a light peck on my neck. My eyes widen in horror. I just ground a boy to his orgasm!


	4. Chapter 4

_Louis_

I see Harry’s face in the dim light of the loft; a naughty smile curves his swollen lips, and his cheeks are tinted and flushed from all our kissing. I can feel his heartbeat against my chest, fast and most probably as loud as mine. I can’t tear my eyes away from his, glowing softly in the dark room and staring right back at me.

Then suddenly I feel his hands on my belt, unbuckling noisily, and he is sliding down my body, his face hovering above my crotch, eyeing my hard-on with his irresistible green eyes. Then he starts to unzip my trousers, and I immediately panic.

I scramble up into a sitting position, backing away from him a bit. He follows my movements with a frown, and he moves towards me again to get closer, but I put a hand out to stop him. My fingers are shaking.

“No,” I manage to say, my throat feeling closed up. “We can’t do this.”

Nothing compares to that moment when I see realization dawn in Harry’s eyes, then immediate, scorching anger. He crosses his arms and glares at me. His green eyes glint in the dark of the room. _And why can’t we?_

His scathing look delivers the message he wants to send perfectly. I struggle for words. “Harry, I – I have a girlfriend. And I bet you can get a lot of other… _girls_ who are better-looking than I am,” I explain lamely.

He glares at me for a while, and then he gets up and disappears into the dark. After a few seconds, he opens a switch and suddenly light floods into the room, blinding me for a good while.

When I can see again, I look up to see him coming towards me with a notebook, scribbling something down furiously with his eyebrows pulled together and his tongue poking out a bit from the side of his lips. I can’t help myself from thinking that he looks kind of cute with that expression. Then, without sitting down, he thrusts the notebook to my face.

He wrote, with rather cute, loopy handwriting, _I’ve fucked all the girls I know, not to mention the boys too. Now I want to fuck you, and FYI, you’re the best-looking person I’ve ever laid my eyes on.”_

I flush, and then stand up. I feel my heart start to pound and my knees go weak, but I force myself to stand straight and make an effort to think rationally. Rational has never been my best quality, after all. I look at Harry dead in the eye. “Harry…” He gives me another scathing look, and I sigh. “Listen. This is probably just because of all those teenage hormones. You are at that stage, after all.”

Harry looks like he’s going to throw a punch at me, or break his pencil in half. I scramble for words to protect myself. “Harry, I just came here to tell you I’m sorry for what I said to you awhile ago on the beach!”

Then suddenly, the angry fire in his eyes is wiped away, and is replaced by a mix of loss and realization – that all I feel for him is pity.

He hangs his head, and I don’t know what to say to him to make him feel better. I only met the guy ten hours ago, for Christ’s sake! But somehow, he’s made me feel emotions so much deeper than Eleanor has in that span of time than in the ten months I’ve had together with her.

I begin to apologize again, but then he starts to write something down once more so I shut my mouth before I say anything stupid. After a moment, his hand stills, and he seems to take a deep breath before showing me what he wrote.

_Did Liam tell you?_

I stare at the words and, even without him telling me, I know he’s talking about his sister. I wonder if I should lie to cover for Liam, then slap myself internally for even thinking it. “Yes, he did. But – but only because I forced him to,” I add hurriedly.

Then he writes something down again. This time it takes him longer to write, and as the seconds ticks by my heart beats faster and my palms start to sweat.

Then he shows me what he wrote. It says, _I don’t need your pity, Louis. Don’t even try to deny that you’re feeling it. I see it in your eyes. I don’t need it. I’ve had plenty of pity directed at me, and I’m sick and tired of it. I need you, and if you can’t give me that, I think you should leave this room right now._

I stare at his handwriting as my heart sinks. He definitely hates me now. I open my mouth to apologize again, to explain that it isn’t right since I have a girlfriend, but then he puts a finger to my mouth to silence me. His face is like a blank sheet of paper, and his usually expressive eyes are heartbreakingly shuttered like windows with their blinds down. He looks away from me then points to the trapdoor on the floor, still open with the rope ladder hanging out.

With a sigh, I head for the ladder, defeat weighing my heart down. Then, with one last look at Harry standing wretchedly alone in the middle of the room, I make my way down, my heart sinking with each step. When I get down again on the second floor, I am surprised to see Anne standing just across me in front of her own bedroom door.

She smiles at me, almost sadly. “Harry hasn’t been to the loft for ten months. He used to spend time with Gemma there a lot, making music. I’m glad he decided to bring you up there tonight, Louis.”

Guilt stabs me everywhere, making me feel more like shit than I did up there. I manage to smile back at her, not trusting myself to speak. (It probably looks like I am trying to swallow foot-sized nails, though. It certainly feels that way.) Then she says, “Don’t stay up too late! You’re starting school tomorrow.” Then, she enters her room, which is right next to Harry’s, and shuts the door behind her.

I walk over to the door on the other side of Harry’s, which is mine. I open it and see my room for the next ten months. It has one window right across the door, a bed on the right side and a desk on the left. The floor is carpet, so I take my shoes off and set it beside the door after closing it behind me.

I walk to my bed then collapse on it, spread-eagled on the flowery sheets. I cover my eyes with my arm, not understanding this gnawing ache at my heart. All I know is that I’ve hurt Harry, and that I have to apologize to him. Again.

Falling into a fitful sleep with my socks still on, I dream of sandy beaches, trapdoors and lofts, unreal dimples and green eyes shining in the dark.

**

_Harry_

The day after Louis rejects me is also the day he starts school. My mother told me, when Louis was off with Liam touring the city, to invite him to ride with me in Zayn’s car to school. I was planning to ask him about it yesterday in the loft, but of course, that didn’t happen.

The moment I wake up from my usual nightmare, I get up early and take a shower to cool my head. The first thing that came into my mind when I woke up was Louis, and now in the shower I try not to think of how soft his lips were when we were kissing, how his long fingers threaded  through my hair, how his crotch ground so deliciously against mine…

I shake my head to get the thoughts out of my mind, and so I won’t have a boner when I get to class. I’m not really in the mood for anything sexual, not when Louis is the only thing I can think about anymore.

I put on a white shirt and black skinny jeans; it doesn’t look like it would be too hot today. I shake my curls and they dry quickly, so I grab my backpack and head out of my room. It is only six in the morning, so I still have two hours before first classes begin.

I see Louis’ door to my left, and as I pass by it to get to the staircase I cannot resist taking a peek. _Just one look._ I open the door slowly, quietly, and search for him in the dim light of the room. I see him sprawled carelessly on his bed in the dim light, socks and all, his mouth open as he snores quietly. I smile. _What a mess he is._ Almost as if of their own accord, my arms open the door wider and my feet step in noiselessly, I thanking the carpet floor for absorbing any sound I could make. I move closer to the bed and peer at his face. His lips are slightly open, and his eyes are closed. I find myself yearning for him to open his blue eyes and look at me with them. His hair is mussed up, the fringe flying in different directions. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps, and I can’t help the smile that tugs at my lips. I almost reach out to fix his hair, but then think better of it.

When I close his door silently behind me, I find myself aching to be near him again. I shake my head as I walk down the stairs; it’s probably just the hormones, as he said.

I go down to the kitchen and prepare pancakes for three. I set the pancakes on the table and eat my own quietly, trying not to break the peaceful silence that mornings bring. I love mornings; I used to hate waking up early when I was younger. But because Gemma used to force me to wake up earlier everyday, I grew to love the serenity and quiet of mornings. I grew to cherish those moments when I feel like I’m the only person awake in the world, like I’m the only one who can see the sky turning from black to purple to orange to blue, like I’m the only one who can hear the rhythmic crash of waves in the distance.

I finish my pancakes, wash my dishes and head out onto the porch. I sit on the wooden swing, intending to wait for my mum and Louis to wake up. As much as I don’t want to face Louis right now, I still have to wait for him so that he can come with me and Zayn. I still won’t have a ride if I leave now, anyway.

I sit back and watch the sea crashing onto shore in the distance for a while as the swing rocks back and forth soothingly. I think about Louis, and about how I know next to nothing about him. Nothing at all, if I think about it, except that he is English and that he has a girlfriend. I frown at that thought; imagining a girl with Louis, doing the same things with her as we did in the loft, somehow feels… wrong. She is probably a tall, pretty brunette with great fashion sense and an undying love for that white-girl coffee shop – Starbucks, is it? I sigh. She has got to be one of those perfect English girls, because Louis doesn’t deserve anything less than perfect.

Then my train of thought screeches to a halt. _Harry, you only just met the guy yesterday! What makes you think you know what he deserves?_

I close my eyes for a brief moment then open them again to look up to the sky pleadingly. _Gemma, tell me, what is happening to me?_

Of course, there is no answer. My heart begins to ache for Gemma, to feel her beside me again, to have her arms wrapped around me comfortingly. Before I can stop it, a tear rolls down my cheek, and another, and another. I cry quietly on the porch, my tiny heart breaking apart even more. I miss her so much. _I miss you, Gemma. I miss you so much. If you were still here, you would be getting along just fine with Louis, and then I’ll be able to get along with him too because of you. Where are you, Gemma? I need you here. You would know what’s happening to me, and why my heart hurts even more now after that incident with Louis in the loft. You would know how to fix it, because you’re magical like that. Where are you, Gemma? I need you. I need you here._

I pull my knees up to my chest and tuck my head in, my tears flowing freely now. I keep in the whimpers and hiccups that try to escape my mouth as I cry, knowing I still don’t deserve to use my voice, not even when I cry.

I’m not sure when I fell asleep exactly, but the next thing I know is that someone is nudging me awake whilst whispering my name. Distant voices invade through the fogginess of sleep, and I hear my mum’s voice – _is that her?_ – saying, “Louis, you’ll never be able to wake him up like that… You have to shake him awake, and maybe shout in his ear for good measure…”

 _Louis?_ I open my eyes slowly and squint up at the sight of Louis hovering above me, the sunlight behind him casting shadows on his face. His cheekbones are accentuated, and I can’t help but think of how fit he looks…

Then he’s reaching out towards me, and I immediately snap awake. _Louis!_ I flinch from his nearing hand and scramble into a sitting position, fixing myself.

“Good morning, Harry,” my mum says behind Louis, and I look at her momentarily to nod – since when did she address me _good morning_ like that? – then look down at my shoes. I can’t look at Louis, or else I might do something stupid like grind against him in front of my mom. I roll my eyes internally in my head. _Damn these hormones._

“Zayn’s here, Harry, you had better go to school now,” my mum says, pointing to the direction of the driveway. Sure enough, Zayn’s car is there, with Zayn sitting up front and leaning out the car window.

“Come on, Harry! Niall and Ed are waiting for us!” Zayn calls out, and then shoots a glare at Louis as he makes his way to the car. I quickly stand up and grab my backpack from the ground. I start towards Zayn’s car after Louis, admiring his cute little ass in those tight jeans, but then I feel a hand on my arm stopping me. I look behind me, and I see my mum, fidgeting and looking like she doesn’t know what to say to me.

After an awkward silence, she says, “Well, Harry… take care.” She gives me a smile so obviously forced, and I feel anger build up inside me. _After these ten long months of not touching me, of not speaking to me, you do it right now, in front of_ Louis _just because he’s a guest and you want to show him we’re some kind of a happy family?_

I glare at her. _Well, guess what. I’m not playing along with that bullshit._

I push her hand roughly away from my arm and turn away from her, heading towards Zayn’s car with long strides. I look back at her, and the fact that she just stands there and stares after me uselessly makes me even angrier. I get in the passenger seat and slam the door shut, seething. _I hate her. I hate her._ Then I feel a hand on my thigh, and I look to my side to see Zayn looking at me with a concerned expression.

“You okay, Harry?” he says, and after a moment, I nod. And, just to mess with Louis watching at the back, I lean forward and kiss Zayn on the lips. Zayn freezes, a little surprised, and then kisses me back. I don’t let the kiss deepen, so I pull away and smile at him. He smiles back, and I momentarily feel a stab of guilt for using Zayn to make Louis jealous. He is one of my best mates, and if he finds out I’m lusting after Lou, he might throw a fit.

Then, just as Zayn starts to drive away from my house, I glance at Louis through the rearview mirror. He’s watching me, and after a moment of eye contact I look away, feeling content. My mum may have ruined this morning, but Louis chasing after me will definitely make my week.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're meeting two new characters here... a blondie and a ginger. ;) Guess who it is! Hehe  
> -A

_Louis_

Apologizing to Harry is a harder feat than I thought.

It’s been a whole school week since the incident with Harry in the loft, and in those days all I’ve been doing is going to school and chasing after that curly-haired twat. At first, I felt horrible for what I did, so chasing and finally apologizing to him was the only thing on my mind.

As he isn’t in my year, it was a bit hard to track him down in school, but I was relentless. When I saw him in the hallway in between classes, I would shout his name, and he would immediately run away. Every single time I tried to approach his lunch table, he would get up and manage to escape before I get to him. He was quick and coy as a snake, slipping away from me every time I thought I was close enough.

Then, at around the third day of my Harry Hunt, as I would like to call it, I started noticing how he would have a small smile on his face before he runs away from me. One time, I even caught him winking at me and snickering before running to his next class. I fume. This boy is playing games with me! Damn that cheeky bastard, he even had the nerve to sleep over in Zayn’s the whole week for some kind of “project” just to avoid seeing me. Liam has been bringing me to and from school, making it impossible for me to see him. Harry’s been sticking to Zayn ever since, and Zayn never wastes a moment to glare at me and put his arm around Harry’s shoulders.

Damn him. Damn _them._ They’re probably fucking each other’s brains out every night.

I’m eating with some of my classmates in Chemistry at lunch when a redhead and a blonde approach our table. (There are a lot more foreigners living in Hawaii than I thought.) The blonde one says, in a thick Irish accent, “Hey guys! We were just wondering if we could borrow Louis for a moment.”

I look up and recognize them. I don’t know their names, but I see both of them hanging out with Harry and Zayn all the time. Harry seems pretty close to the redhead; every time I see them together, they would be laughing about something funny or their heads would be close together as the redhead whispers in Harry’s ear. The blonde one is in my PE class, though I haven’t had the chance to talk to him until now.

Then I realize something. _They’re close to Harry! Maybe they could get me a moment with him!_

I stand up quickly from my seat, grabbing my milk from my tray. “Yeah, you can borrow me. See you later, guys,” I say, saluting to my group as they call out a chorus of goodbyes. Then I head for the two boys, and they beckon to me to follow them. “Come, Louis,” the redhead says, smiling a little. “We want to show you something.”

I, sipping my milk carton, follow them out of the cafeteria, past the back doors of the school and onto the football field. There are some guys playing on the field, and it isn’t hard for me to spot that head of dark curly hair in the bunch. Harry’s just scored a goal, and I can’t seem to stop myself from staring at his dimples as he smiles and pumps his arms in triumph. I start to make my way towards him, but then the two guys – blondie and ginger – block my way.

“We can’t let you do that. Not just yet,” the blonde one says, and then he holds out a hand for me to shake. “I’m Niall, and this is my friend Ed.”

I shake his hand and nod to Ed. “It’s nice to meet you both.”

“Well, we can’t say the same thing about you yet, I’m afraid,” Ed says, and I frown. _Why is_ he _so rude?_ “We’re friends of Harry’s, and we want to know why you’ve been stalking him since you started at this school.”

I raise an eyebrow. Harry’s surrounded by such protective people. “That’s none of your business, is it?” I say, starting to get impatient.

“It _is_ our business, Louis, we’re Harry’s friends. We love him,” Niall puts out simply. His face is deadly serious. “We’ve known him for years now, and he’s in such a fragile state. Why are you trying to aggravate him?”

“ _Aggravate_ him?” I exclaim, and then laugh. “You’ve got it all wrong, lads, all I want to do is apologize to him! The first day I got here, I…” Then I falter, trying to come up with the right words to say without revealing too much. “I messed up really badly with him. I’ve felt really guilty for the past few days, and I – I just don’t know why he’s been evading me. All I want to do is to clear this misunderstanding with him, and all I ask from you both…” I look at them, clutching my fists and looking as serious as I can manage, “is to step aside so I can finally say the words I’ve wanted to let out for the longest time.”

They both stare me down for a while, and I start to feel self-conscious when both of them suddenly burst out laughing.

 _What the…?_ I stand there in shock and confusion as they double over and clutch their stomachs in laughter. “Niall, did you – did you see his face–“ Ed says in between gasps and laughter.

“Oh, Louis, we – we didn’t mean to be so serious–“ Niall says, wiping tears from his eyes.

Then Ed comes over to me and claps me in the back. “It’s nice meeting you, Louis. You seem like a good lad,” he says, then laughs again.

“What-?” I say, still confused.

“We were just joking about all that serious business,” Niall explains, wiping away the last of his tears. “We just wanted to see your reaction to Harry having overprotective friends.”

“And it looks like you’ve passed our test,” Ed continues. Then he glances over at Harry on the field, and I follow his gaze to see the silent, curly-haired boy running fast on his long legs, stealing the ball from another bloke and dribbling the ball up the field. He has a wide smile on his face; he looks so happy, and I wonder if I should take my phone out and snap a picture of him to preserve this moment forever.

“But we weren’t joking about loving Harry,” Niall continues, and we all watch Harry as he scores another goal. “Now, we don’t know what happened between you and Harry the day you got here,” Niall says, looking at me. “And we’ll probably never know, because Harry keeps things to himself. We’ve only just met you today, but it’s clear he wants you. We saw it in his eyes, whenever you were near or chasing him,” he says, and despite all my efforts to deny Harry, I feel my heart race at Niall’s words. “We only want what’s best for him. And somehow, for some reason, we think you could help us find whatever that is,” he says, and then he smiles at me. After a moment, I smile back.

We watch the game quietly on the grass until the bell rings to signal the end of lunch break, and all I could think of was how Harry is so lucky to have such amazing friends.

And maybe checking out Harry’s ass was somewhere there in my thoughts too.

**

_Harry_

I wake up at six in the morning on Saturday from the usual nightmare. Tears are streaming down my face, and I sit up silently on my bed. I stare at the white bed sheets, forcing her screams and the shattering of glass and the blood on her forehead from my brain.

After a good while of calming myself down, I get up and head for the bathroom. I wash my face, then look out the window and see the shift of colours in the sky that I have grown to love so much. I dry my face, put on a shirt and board shorts, grab my notebook and a pencil, tuck it in my pocket then head out to the beach.

I sit on the cool sand and lie down, tucking my hands beneath my head as I gaze upwards at the lightening sky. The sky is a mixture of yellows, oranges and light blues, and I get lost in the depths of it. I lose myself in the ever-changing colours, the bright hues burning my eyes. But I don’t stop looking.

I don’t know how long I stare at the sky, but it is more of a cerulean blue colour already when I hear sand crunching to my side. I look to the direction of the sound, and my heart jumps to my throat when I see Louis standing a few ways off. He looks like he just got out of bed, rubbing at his eyes as he makes his way to me. I sit up as he gets closer, and then he stops in front of me and, looking down at me sleepily, mumbles, “G’morning, ‘Arry.”

His just-got-out-of-bed voice makes my blood rush. Trying to ignore my racing heart, I nod him a _good morning._

He asks, “May I sit beside you?” After a moment’s hesitation, I nod, and he settles himself beside me, then promptly lies down on his back, his hands resting on his stomach with his phone in between his long fingers.

I can’t resist teasing him. I lay on my side facing him, my elbows digging under the sand as I lay my head on my hand. Then he looks at me and our faces are suddenly inches apart, and I get lost in his eyes for a moment before I remember what I’m doing and give him a flirty wink. He flushes adorably and looks up to the sky again quickly, looking like a panicked fish. I laugh quietly to myself and lie back down, the image of Louis’ blue eyes widening prettily putting the bright sky to shame.

We lay down in silence for a while, the sound of waves crashing in the background a soothing rhythm. I smile softly, closing my eyes and enjoying the serenity of the ocean.

“Harry?”

I open one eye and look at Louis. He is still staring up at the sky, and he’s turning his phone over and over in his hand nervously, just like he did the day he came after we threw him in the ocean. I smile at the memory. It seems like ages ago when I first communicated with him writing on the sand.

“Is Niall gay?”

His question startles me so much that I almost laugh out loud. Louis is really good at that, making me want to laugh. I get up and reach for my notebook and pencil. I write, _He’s not gay._

Louis sits up and reads it, then raises and eyebrow at me. “You sure?” I nod, then he says, “Well, I reckon you should ask him again. I think I saw him checking out this dude in the lockers when we were changing for PE class.”

I smile and write, _He has a girlfriend._

Then Louis shoots me a look so funny – it’s a mixture of shock, disbelief and realization – that I bite down on my lower lip to stop myself from laughing. How does he do that? How does he convey so many emotions with just one look?

Louis laughs, and this is the first time I’m hearing it. He throws his head back and closes his eyes, his big smile brighter than the Hawaiian sunshine. His laughter is music to my ears; I would listen to him laugh all day if I could.

“He’s bi, I swear,” Louis says, chuckling to himself. I shrug, smiling so hard my cheeks start to hurt.

“Have you always had those dimples?” Louis asks, and before I can answer, he reaches over and pokes my cheek, right where the dip of my dimple is.

I blush and lean away instinctively. The place he touched tingles, sending a warm, squirmy feeling coursing through me. I feel my face heat up considerably. _What the hell, Harry? He just touched your cheek!_

“Oh, a little sensitive, are we?” Louis says, and he has a rather cheeky smile on his face. My heart starts to race. _No! I’m not ready for this! I’m the one who’s supposed to be teasing him!_

“Well…” Suddenly he’s all serious, and I find myself longing for his smile. “You seemed rather comfortable touching me in the loft that day,” Louis says in a quiet voice.

I avoid eye contact with him, my face flushing. Images of that night flash in my head: Louis taking my hand to climb into the loft, his breath washing over my lips, the exhilarating feeling of his lips against mine, the way his long fingers threaded through my hair, how his hips rolled so perfectly in my hands, seeing his swollen lips after I came in my pants, and his last, desperate look at me before he climbed back down the ladder.

I look at him now to find him looking back at me, and the moment our eyes meet I know he’s thinking about that night too. He’s thinking about how different that kiss was from any other kiss; I know, because he must have felt it too. He must have felt that that kiss was like being kissed for the first time all over again.

I lean in, staring at those lips I want to taste once more, but he moves away, saying, “No, Harry, we can’t.” I pull back and pout a little. He sighs. He seems to do that only around me; I see him in school with his new friends from his year, and he’s always so energetic and spontaneous with them. What about with me? Do I make him sad?

“Harry, I know you must hate me now because of what I did in the loft,” Louis begins, and in my head I think, _I don’t think I can ever hate you, Louis._ “You’ve been ignoring me this whole week, and I understand that. I just want to apologize to you again for making you feel even worse. You told me you didn’t need my pity, but that’s exactly what I was giving you. I really wish I could make it up to you somehow. I hope you forgive me.”

My ears perk up. _He wishes he could make it up to me?_ Trying not to smile, I start scribbling something down on my notebook. I show him my message.

_What can you do to make it up to me?_

He reads it, then says immediately, “Anything.” The moment that word leaves his lips, he looks like he wants to take it back, but I don’t let him.

I then cup his face and look at him straight in the eye, conveying my message. _Anything?_

He stares at me, and I see his heartbeat racing in his eyes, in the way his cheeks warm against my hands, in how his little breaths are suddenly coming faster. He manages a breathless “Harry-“ before I pull him in for our second kiss.

This kiss is slow, innocent. It is nothing like the kiss in the loft, fuelled by passion and lust. This one is more like a first kiss, nervous and searching, fuelled instead by the want to know the other person through the movement of his lips. I take my time getting him to relax, sucking slowly on his bottom lip and swiping my tongue across it. He makes a little sound at the back of his throat, and I know he’s a goner. Quick as a cat, I swipe his phone out of his slack grip as I bite down on his lower lip. He doesn’t notice, as he is too busy groaning into my mouth.

When I pull away, his phone is tucked safely in my pocket and his lips are successfully swollen from my kiss. He looks a little dazed and out of it, his cheeks flushed and his eyes kind of cloudy.

I wave a hand over his eyes, and he kind of snaps out of it. He blinks rapidly and then, seeing me trying not to laugh, chuckles nervously, fixing his fringe even if it’s perfect. He’s avoiding my eyes, and a bashful smile curls his lips. I laugh silently at his reaction. _What a cutie._

“So…” He looks at me again, lips still red. I want to bite that lower lip one more time. “Am I forgiven now?”

I nod, smiling at him. This feels great. I feel like I’m on top of the world. Now, if he can only ask that one single question-

“We’re friends, then?” Louis says, his normal smile back on, sunny and bright.

My heart sinks. That wasn’t quite the question I was hoping for.

But friends is the closest thing I can get, since he has that perfect English girlfriend. How can I, a mute English-Hawaiian boy with messy hair and puberty evidence on my face, ever compete with her?

Louis thrusts out his hand for a handshake and waits for me to take it, smile still on. Trying to push out the peculiar ache in my chest, I take his hand and shake it, nodding in agreement to his question. I look into his cerulean blue eyes that neither the ocean or the sky can ever compete with, and I repeat this word in my head.

_Friends._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After this chapter, I'm probably gonna be really busy so I apologize in advance if I don't get to post the next chapter soon. I still will continue this though, I make my drafts in my phone hehe. Thank you so much guys, and long live Larry Stylinson!  
> -A


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this update is so late!! This chapter is quite long, and I'm also halfway done through the 7th chapter... so yay! Enjoy, and don't forget to tell me what you think! ;)  
> -A

_Louis_

I swear I had my phone in my pocket. I swear my life on it.

After that morning when Harry and I successfully became friends, we walked back home together in companionable silence. I didn’t want to break it, because finally Harry is in a very agreeable mood with me. He has this constant small smile on his face, and I find myself lightening up, letting loose around him and acting like I’m with my other friends. That’s probably what started the food fight.

Anne isn’t awake yet when we come in, but Harry immediately heads to the kitchen. I follow after him, and then stare at him in wonder as he takes flour and sugar from the cupboards.

“Wait, you made the pancakes last Monday?” I ask in complete surprise. He turns to me and nods, then takes a mixing bowl from the cupboard under the sink.

“But – wow, Harry, I must say, your pancakes are _the_ best,” I say, moving closer to him. He smiles up at me.

_Thank you._

His eyes send off that message so clearly I almost hear it in my head, but that’s ridiculous. I don’t even know what Harry really sounds like.

“Do you want me to help with anything?” I ask, even if I know I’m shit at cooking. Better start off on the right foot with Harry, now that he’s given me a second chance.

He glances at me, takes out his notebook then writes something down. He shows it to me, and it says, _Do you know how to make pancakes?_

He looks at me with wide, hopeful eyes, and I smile sheepishly. “Uhh… sorry, no,” I reply, and then he laughs quietly while shaking his head, as if saying, _I knew it._ He gets the eggs from the fridge, and I stare at the ingredients in front of me, still a little surprised that Harry knows how to cook. I barely know anything about him, and I’m glad I’m learning new things about him little by little. When he gets back, I watch him pour flour into the bowl and, indicating for me to wait with his pointer finger, he heads again to the fridge and searches for something else.

As I stare at the flour, I get an idea. I don’t really think about it; I just do.

The moment Harry turns back to me with two bottles of syrup (maple and chocolate) in his hands, I throw a heap of flour at his face. He is completely taken by surprise, flinching and his mouth dropping open. Then he stares at me in disbelief, and I fear for a moment that he’ll get angry at me, but then he uncaps the chocolate syrup, points it at me and squeezes.

The syrup flies out onto me, and I get it all over my pants and my shirt. With an excited laugh, I grab more of the flour and throw it at Harry. He squirts more of the syrup on me, and I manage to grab the other bottle of syrup from his chocolate-covered fingers. The huge smile on his face is priceless when I get maple syrup all over his hair and I can't seem to stop giggling, then he tackles me to the ground and pours chocolate syrup all over my face. The movement causes us to hit the flour bowl, and it falls over and flour covers us from all directions, Harry taking most of it in his sticky hair.

We’re both shocked at the sudden shower of flour, and then we both laugh, I loudly and he quietly. My laughter rings around the house and he smiles down at me, shoulders shaking and dimples showing. His chest is pressed against mine, and I can’t care less that I am on the floor with my foster brother on top of me, looking like little rowdy kids playing with food.

Then, without thinking, I swipe some maple syrup from his face with one finger and lick it off. His eyes follow my movements, and I say, “Tastes good!” Then, when I see the look in Harry’s eyes shift from playful to lust-filled, I realize just how sexual what I did was. But he doesn’t get flustered or try to kiss me or anything; he just smiles, his usual dimples showing, then stands up from me and helps me up.

We look at each other for a while, and we must be a sight: two teenage boys covered in flour and syrup standing in a messy kitchen, and both can’t seem to look away from each other. His green eyes have captured mine, but the tension between us isn’t sexual at all. There’s just the happiness to be right here, in this moment with each other, and the yearning for more.

_Friends._

He smiles at me, and the warmth fills me from the inside. His eyes shine with happiness, and knowing that I caused that makes me feel all giddy and cozy inside.

“Harry?”

Anne’s voice by the open doorway causes Harry and I to jump away from each other in surprise, and the moment between us falls away. She’s looking at us, at the mess on the countertop, at the mess on the floor, her eyes wide and horrified. Then she looks at both of us again, and with an angry voice she says, “Both of you, clean this up. Harry, I will have a word with you after.”

I feel a stab of guilt. “Anne, Harry hasn’t done anything, this was all my idea-“

“Louis, I will speak to my son whenever I want to. Please, clean this mess up now,” Anne says quietly, turning away from us and exiting the room.

I turn to Harry, ready to apologize, but then he presses a flour-stained finger to my lips. He shakes his head, smiles and rolls his eyes at the direction of the doorway. _Don’t mind her,_ his eyes say.

After a moment, I nod, then we start cleaning up the kitchen. He hands me a rag, and as I scrub the floor and he the countertop, I find myself thinking I want to lick the syrup from all over his face and neck.

Then I stop myself. _Louis, you can’t. Eleanor._ I shake my head and concentrate on my task, thinking of messaging Eleanor after this. We finish completely cleaning the kitchen when it’s almost noon already, so we decide to go to Gobblers to get lunch.

After we shower, Harry sends Zayn a text message to pick us up, and I wonder if I should ask for his cellphone number.

**

It is in the car on the way to the mall that I realize I don’t have my phone with me anymore. With growing panic, I rummage through my pockets, and Harry beside me (it quite pleased me when he followed me to sit at the back, and when Zayn glared at me through the rearview mirror) gives me a questioning look.

“My phone,” I say helplessly. “It isn’t in my pocket anymore.”

Then Harry takes out his notebook and writes something down. _Don’t worry, Lou, I’m sure you’ll find it just somewhere in the house._

Then the smile he directs at me makes my heart race. He just called me Lou. I smile back, not knowing that my phone is just out of reach sitting in a certain curly-haired boy’s pocket.

**

We get back home at around five in the afternoon, because there was this huge sale in Abercrombie & Fitch, and Harry literally took hours raiding the store. While he was trying on numerous shirts and pants, I was awkwardly browsing the racks of clothes with Zayn glaring at my back.

The moment Zayn drops Harry and I home and drives away, both of us see Anne on the porch with her arms crossed in front of her chest. She looks cross, angry even, as we make our way to her.

We stop in front of her, and I gulp. _Crap, Harry hasn’t talked to her yet about the food fight._ “Uhm, I’ll just-“ Both of them look at me, and I struggle not to stutter. “I’ll just go to the beach and look around.”

I spin around and try not to run to the beach. I look back at the house and frown, because if I’m not mistaken, or if the dim light of the setting sun isn’t playing tricks on me, a small smile is playing on Harry’s lips as he stares after me. I put a hand up to wave, and he nods, then disappears into the house with his mum.

I am walking on the beach and inspecting the sand for my phone when suddenly somebody grabs my shirt from behind and spins me around. I yelp in surprise and stumble backwards, falling on my butt. Thankfully, the sand cushions my fall. I look up to see Zayn glaring down at me, looking scarily tall and angry.

“What have you been doing with Harry?” Zayn says angrily, his fists clenched tight. His arms bulge, and I find that I don’t want to fight this guy.

“Nothing, nothing at all,” I say hurriedly.

“Then why hasn’t he been seeking my help for anything, huh?” He grabs me by the shirt and pulls me up, his angry brown eyes glaring into mine. ‘He always comes to me when he needs help. But then you came and suddenly you’re so close. What did you do, huh, England boy?”

I push him off, not wanting to get violent. “I didn’t do anything to him, Zayn.”

“Did he do anything to _you_ , then?” He stalks toward me, and I back away. “Did he give you a handjob? Did he suck your dick? Did he fuck you in his bed?”

I let out a startled laugh. _So is that what he thinks is happening between me and Harry?_ “What the hell, no! What makes you think that?”

He doesn’t answer me, only glares at me for a moment. Then he jabs a finger into my chest and says, “You stay away from Harry, is that clear?” Not waiting for an answer, he turns away and heads for his car, which is parked cleverly hidden in the trees.

I stare after him, watching his car drive away. _What a protective_ friend. _Yeah, sure, that’s definitely what he is: a_ friend _of Harry’s._ Then, massaging the part where he jabbed my chest quite painfully, I continue my search for my phone.

And my search attempts turn out to be in vain. It’s not anywhere on the beach. I worry that someone might have stolen it. Checking my watch, I realize it’s already a quarter to six, so I make my way back to the house. It’s getting quite dark and chilly, and I hope Anne is finished talking to Harry.

I walk in the house and see Anne alone in the kitchen. She looks up from the sink and smiles at me. “Are you hungry, Louis?” she asks.

I shake my head. “Thank you, Anne, but I’m not, actually. Harry and I ate quite a lot at the mall today.”

“Yes, he told me,” Anne says.

After an awkward silence, I say, “Anne, I just want to say that the food fight was all my fault. I’d be happy to replace all the ingredients we wasted.”

Then she shakes her head, and the smile on her face makes me wonder if she knows something I don’t. “You don’t have to, Louis. I just…” She looks like she’s trying not to choke on her words. She takes a deep breath. “I just want to thank you for making Harry smile again. I haven’t seen him smile in this house for a long time.”

I look at her, at her kind eyes and her sweet smile, and wonder why Harry seems to hate her so. “No problem,” I say, then head up the stairs and to my room. Maybe I left my phone there after taking a shower before we left for the mall.

Surely enough, when I come in my room, I see my phone sitting on my desk. I rush to it and breathe out a sigh of relief. Thank heavens I didn’t lose it, or else my mom would definitely kill me. I open it to send a message to Eleanor, but stop when I see someone has left me a message in my notes.

 _Lou,  
Come up to the loft, and I’ll tell you how your phone got on your desk. ;)  
Harry  
  
_ My eyebrows shoot upwards. So it was _Harry_ who stole it? That sneaky little twat! So that’s why he was smiling at me before I headed out to the beach earlier! How did he even take it from me? I run out of my room and look up to the ceiling just above Harry’s bedroom door, and there Harry is, looking out from the trapdoor with a cheeky, dimply smile on his face.

“Harry, you cheeky little bastard,” I say under my breath, and his smile grows wider. Then he drops down the rope ladder and I quickly climb up, hoisting myself in the room. I look around and see the contents of the loft for the first time.

It is rectangular and about twice the size of my room, and I imagine it’s right on top of Harry’s room. The trapdoor is at the far corner, and to my left is a long red couch that looks like one of those old grandma couches that are unbelievably comfy. Against the wall in front of me stands a table full of recording equipment, and across it against the other wall is a grand piano. In the middle of the room are two mics, and at the other side of the room behind it are a set of drums and some guitars. The room is all wooden, the floor, the walls, the ceilings; I feel like I’m in a fruit box with some rugs decorating the floor.

But what really get me are all the instruments. My mouth drops open. “You make music?”

Harry takes out his notebook and jots something down.

_I used to._

Then I internally smack myself. _Stupid question, Louis._ I hurry and change the subject. I head to the piano, saying, “I know how to play the piano.” I sit down on the seat and run my fingers lightly over the keys. I haven’t touched a piano for the past month, and I find myself missing it.

I turn to Harry, who is now standing right behind me. “May I?” I ask, and he nods, smiling and gesturing to the piano. His eyes say, _Feel free._ I smile back and turn to the piano again, trying to recall how to play one of my favourite songs. I hit the keys and get some wrong, but after a while, my fingers remember where to press, and the song comes back to me like a long-lost friend.

“I’m going to play something, alright? Don’t judge my voice,” I say, chuckling a little. Harry is silent behind me, a kind of comforting presence looking over my shoulder. Smiling, I start to play Look After You by The Fray.

_If I don’t say this now,_   
_I will surely break_   
_As I’m leaving the one I want to take…_

I hear an intake of breath behind me, and then some rustling and clicks, but I don’t stop playing. I momentarily wonder what Harry is up to, then focus back on the song.

_Oh, oh, be my baby,_   
_Oh, whoa_   
_Oh, oh, be my baby,_   
_And I’ll look after you…_

Playing the instrumental after the first chorus, I look back and see Harry watching me with intense green eyes. I flush and my heart starts to beat faster. I look away from his face, then I notice that he’s holding a recorder. My eyes widen. “Harry!” I stop playing and blush. “You were recording me?”

Then he widens his eyes and makes urgent gestures with his hands, his fingers moving as if her were pressing piano keys. Then he points to his mouth. _Continue singing!_

Hesitant and a little shy now, I turn back to the piano and continue the song, moving on immediatel y to the second verse.

_There now, steady, love_   
_So few come and don’t go_   
_Will you, won’t you be the one I’ll always know?_   
_When I’m losing my control,_   
_The city spins around_   
_You’re the only one who knows, you slow it down._   
_Oh, oh, be my baby…_

After a while, I get more confident with the song, not minding the fact that I’m being recorded. I just go with it, singing it without holding back anything. I’ve missed this, singing and playing the piano freely. This is what I love to do.

Then I get to the last chorus, and I look back to check on Harry. He’s still looking at me, and I smile but he doesn’t smile back, just stares at me with those intense, shining green eyes.

_It’s always have and never hold_   
_You’ve begun to feel like home_   
_What’s mine is yours to leave and take_   
_What’s mine is yours to make your own_   
_Oh, oh, be my baby_   
_Oh, whoa…_

As I finish the song, Harry looks away from me, and I realize it must have seemed like I was singing the song to him. Ending the song, I get up and stand in front of Harry, my heart racing in my chest. The recorder makes a click sound as he presses the stop button. Then he looks up at me, and his eyes are shining.

He points to his mouth, and I gaze at his lips as he mouths, _That was beautiful._

“Thanks,” I say, relieved that he doesn’t think I’m horrible at singing. I smile at him, and the smile he gives back makes my heart jump in my throat. It’s such a soft, gentle smile, and I suddenly have the powerful urge to pull him into my arms and keep this kind of Harry from the world, for only myself.

I almost do it, my arms lifting up, but then I remember.

 _Eleanor._ I clench my fists and drop them to my sides, suddenly feeling empty. I push the feeling away and blame it on the fact that I miss playing the piano. _I do. I do miss the piano._

Then Harry waves a hand in my face, and I realize I’ve been staring at him for quite a while. I startle and laugh, stepping away from him. “Sorry, sorry, I was just… thinking,” I say lamely, fixing my fringe. God, I have to stop staring at him.

He shrugs at me with a smile, then takes out his notebook and flips the pages. Then he shows me one page, and in his familiar handwriting, it is written, _I got your phone when I kissed you on the beach this morning._

My eyebrows shoot up. “Seriously? You cheeky little twat,” I say, laughing. I try to ignore the blush creeping up my cheeks at the memory.

Then he flips the page, to show me another message. _I wanted to bring you up here to the loft._

I look at him and laugh again. He’s great at that, making me laugh. “Couldn’t you just have asked me personally? I was really scared it got stolen!”

He shrugs with an adorable closed-lip smile on his face, his cute little dimples prominent. I suddenly want to reach out and squeeze his soft cheeks. Then he turns another page. _I’m about to show you something I’ve never shown anyone._

The smile disappears from his face, and his green eyes are suddenly intense again, serious. My heart starts to race. _What is this?_

Another page. _Not even Zayn._

I gape a little at those words. Is it that serious? Why is he showing it to me then?

And another. _It was a secret between Gemma and I._

My eyes widen, and I look at him in bafflement. _What is Harry thinking, entrusting me so fast? We only just met a week ago!_

And another page. _I don’t know why, but I feel like I can trust you with anything already._

I stare at him, at his nervous green eyes and his full red lips and, unable to hold myself back any longer, I pull him into a tight hug. He tenses up, surprised by my action, and then eventually relaxes into me. He is so warm against me, soft and cuddly in my arms. He buries his nose into the crook of my neck, nuzzling me a bit, and I find that I like it when he does that.

When I pull away, I smile gently at him. “Let’s see it, then,” I say.

His answering smile is nervous, almost as if he’s afraid of what I would think. He turns another page, and it says, _You wanted to hear my voice, right?_

I stop breathing. My heart skips several beats, and it’s as if the whole world has stopped. My whole world has stopped, all because of those words I keep reading over and over in my head. _Is this it, then? Is this when I’ll finally get to hear his voice?_ Stricken with this colossal moment, I nod.

He takes a deep breath then turns to the table of recording equipment. I watch him as he reaches under it and takes out a dusty medium-sized cardboard box. He brings it to me, and holds it out to me, his eyes flitting this way and that. I take it, and then see the label on top of the box.

_Harry’s Recordings_

My hear starts beating so fast it’s almost painful. I kind of gasp, then look at him. He flips another page in his notebook and shows me his next message. _Those were from when I was nine to fifteen years old. They’re in CD’s, so you’re going to have to use my old Walkman to listen to them. It’s all inside the box._

After I finish reading, I send him a look, asking if I can open it. He smiles shyly and nods, fumbling nervously with his notebook and fingers. Gingerly, I open the box, and it is stock full of CD’s. The CD’s are neatly stacked on top and beside each other, and there is absolutely no space anymore in the box. I read the labels on the topmost ones, and they go like _9-year old Harry_ and _Happy birthday, Gemma! 9 years with you_ and _10 years: celebratory song!_

I gape at it, unsure of where to start. I kind of stumble backwards, shocked at the possibility of hearing Harry’s voice. _I’m going to hear Harry’s voice. I really am._

Harry touches my arm softly, and with a small smile, leads me to the couch. We sit down, side by side, and then he rummages under the CD’s to take out his Walkman. It’s blue and old and dusty, but I’m certainly not complaining.

Harry takes the CD _9-year old Harry_ and places it inside the Walkman. He closes it and hands it to me. I look at him, and our eyes lock. He sends me a simple message, the intensity of his eyes giving him away. _Take it._

With shaking fingers, I take it, feeling like Harry’s giving me his whole being. _Don’t be ridiculous, Louis. It’s just his voice. It’s just his voice._

But no matter how many times I try to calm myself down in my head, another part of me keeps screaming, _It’s not just any voice, it’s Harry’s! Harry Styles’ voice!_

I take the earphones and, catching myself, offer Harry one. He shakes his head. And then, with trepidation and excitement and anticipation making my heart burst, I plug in the earphones and press the play button.

Immediately, a child’s voice begins to sing in my ears, and my whole world has narrowed down to that single, cute and slightly high-pitched boy voice. I imagine a small, baby Harry, his little hands holding the huge mic, trying not to let it slip from his fingers. I imagine him, with chubbier cheeks, hitting the notes just right with his small baby voice. I imagine him, singing to me, in what I imagine is his voice right now, low and husky.

After that CD, without saying anything, I reach in the box and play another one. Harry looks at me, and I can almost hear his heartbeat, beating fast just like mine. As I listen to the next recording, and the next, and the next, I close my eyes and concentrate on only Harry’s baby singing voice. Thought his voice in the recordings had not yet matured, he hits almost all the notes properly, his voice high and sweet. Then, I feel Harry’s head rest on my shoulder, and I look down at him, smiling fondly. I continue to listen to the recordings, Harry's head a constant and welcome weight on my shoulder.

I don’t know how long we sit like that, but after about the fifteenth CD I notice that Harry has fallen asleep on my shoulder. Taking my earphones out, I try to move away because my shoulder is aching, but then, in his sleep, Harry grabs my arm and pulls me closer, smacking his lips. My heart clenches at that. I suddenly feel like I want to protect this boy, _I need to protect this boy,_ the one who entrusted me with his voice when he wouldn’t speak for anyone else. As I stare at his beautiful, peaceful face as he sleeps, I vow to myself to never break his trust, and to always let him know I’m here. I vow to myself that for as long as I’m in Hawaii, I will be the best friend he can ever ask for.

_Friends._

I reach for the top of his head and run my hand through his curls, revelling in the softness of his hair. I smile fondly one more time at him, at this beautiful unspeaking angel sleeping on my shoulder, then settle comfortably in the couch. I fall asleep, feeling safe and content with the whole world.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! It was a pretty long chapter to write, and I had to rush the ending a bit. Thank you for sticking this far! Don't forget to comment and tell me what you think. :) Thank you!  
> -A

_Harry_

It’s been four whole days since I gave Lou my recordings, and I feel like I’m walking on a cloud. Whenever I see him, in the house in the mornings; on the beach when he wants to take a walk; with his new friends in school in the hallways; and in the loft at night while he listens to my recordings, I feel like my heart wants to burst with happiness. I don’t know what this feeling is, but it feels so damn good.

I won’t ever forget the moment I heard him sing for the first time. I remember that all I could think was, _This is perfect. He is perfect. Fuck, we’ll look perfect fucking on that piano chair._ Then he turns to me, and all thoughts of sex are driven away from my mind because his eyes make me feel like I’m falling in love.

Now, as I’m getting up from my bed for school, I hope that what I’m feeling really is love.

**

At lunch, as I am heading towards my usual table with Zayn, I am surprised to see Louis sitting there already with Ed and Niall. I can’t stop the smile that threatens to break my cheeks as I walk over and sit beside him. Louis looks at me, and smiles fondly. “Hey there, Curly,” he says, messing my hair up. I smile at him.

“Oi, get your hands off Harry,” Zayn growls behind us, and Louis immediately takes his hand out of my curls. I look back and raise an eyebrow at Zayn. _What’s gotten your knickers in a twist?_

Zayn shrugs at me, then walks to the other side of the table and sits across me. Beside him is Niall, and on Louis’ other side is Ed. I look around at our table, happy with our new addition. It feels like family.

“Hey, Harry, Zayn, we were just talking to Louis about our monthly campfire night,” Niall says, scooping up his pasta in his mouth.

“Yup, we reckon it would be fun with him around,” Ed continues. “What with you two suddenly being so close and all.”

I look at Louis and smile at him. He smiles back, and I nod. _Come with us?_

“Of course I’ll come with you, Harry,” he replies, squeezing my arm. I get tingles up my spine at the affectionate movement.

Then Niall lets out a surprised laugh. “That’s amazing; he immediately knew what Harry was trying to say! He beats even you, Zayn!” Niall nudges Zayn at his side with his elbow, and Zayn shoots him a glare. Niall puts his hands up and says, “What’s gotten _your_ knickers in a twist?”

Louis laughs, and I stare at him as he does. I’ll never be able to get enough of that laugh.

“Tonight, then? Usual time?” Ed says, and Louis looks at me questioningly. I raise up six fingers, and he nods, understanding me.

“See! Look, they did it again!” Niall shouts, pointing to me. “I bet he just told Louis that we meet up at 6!”

Zayn punches Niall on the shoulder, glowering, and my shoulders shake as I laugh along with the others, because Zayn’s dislike for Louis is starting to be funny. I take out my notebook and write something down for him. _Zayn, give Louis a chance. He’s a good guy._

I hand him my notebook, and after he reads my message he looks t me with burning brown eyes. I know that look. He’s worried. I shake my head at him and smile with a thumbs-up. _I’m okay._

Sighing, he returns my notebook and starts to eat. I begin to eat too, and it isn’t long before Louis and I start to steal from each other’s trays. The whole world disappears when I am with him. His wide, playful smile makes my heart stop, and the blue of his eyes blinds me to any other color on this earth.

If this is what love feels like, I never want Louis to go away.

**

After school, we all head over to the mall to get some food for the campfire. Zayn, Niall and Ed head over to the convenience store to get some crisps while Louis and I get some ice cream. As we wait in line, Louis turns to me and asks, “What’s your favourite ice cream flavour?”

I think for a moment, then write it down on my notebook. _Honeycomb._

He nods. “Alright, I’ll get that for you.” Before what he said sinks in, it’s our turn to order. He says to the girl behind the counter, “One mint chocolate chip for me please, and a honeycomb for my handsome young fella over here.” He gestures to me with a charming smile directed at the girl, and she giggles, eyeing Louis with obvious interest. I frown, my stomach churning with an unpleasant emotion as Louis chats the girl up. They laugh together, and I hate the way the sound of the girl’s laugh mars the beauty of Lou’s.

After Louis pays, I angrily grab his arm and lead him far from the counter as we wait for our ice cream. “Harry, what-“ I cross my arms and look away from him, glaring at the tub of vanilla ice cream. Damn him, why does he have to be so attractive and flirty?

“Hey, Harry,” he says, and he touches my shoulder gently. I shrug him off, refusing to look at him. He sighs. “Look, if your problem is that girl behind the counter, remember that she’s not the one I’m buying ice cream for. It’s you.”

I look at him, and he smiles at me, his eyes apologetic. Unable to be mad at him any longer, I smile back, my heart beating fast. _Yeah, that’s right. I’m the one he’s buying ice cream for._ After we receive our ice cream, I can’t help but smile smugly at the girl behind the counter, who looks confused at me.

As we walk back to the car, Louis puts an arm around my shoulder, and I feel my stomach doing somersaults at the action. He smiles fondly at me, then takes a lick from his ice cream. “This is really good,” he says as we enter the outdoor parking lot.

Then, without thinking, I lean over and take a huge bite from his ice cream. My teeth feel like falling off from the cold, but it’s worth it when I see the disbelief then mischief in Louis’ eyes.

“You little devil!” he shouts, then grabs my hand and takes a bite out of my honeycomb. I wrench away from him, then laugh silently at his face. His nose is covered from my ice cream. He notices, then he wipes it away. “You’re laughing at me, huh? Well, let’s see who’s laughing now!” He lunges at me and smears his ice cream all over my cheek. I flinch back, my smile threatening to split my cheeks. The ice cream drips down all over my new A&F shirt, and I stick my ice cream to Louis’ chest. He gasps and laughs, bringing me into a neck lock and messing up my hair. I fight to keep my laughter in, happiness threatening to make my heart burst like a volcano.

“Louis! Harry!”

Louis lets go of my and looks behind us. I follow his gaze and see Zayn, Niall and Ed standing there with plastic bags full of crisps and juice, staring at the both of us with gaping mouths.

“How old do you think you guys are, seven?” Ed says, shaking his head as he laughs softly.

Niall says, “Damn you, guys, I so want to be a part of an ice cream fight!”

Louis laughs beside me, putting his arm around my shoulder, and I can’t help but stare at him fondly again as he does. He makes me so happy, and I don’t understand it.

Then Zayn is coming towards me with a tissue in his hand, unsmiling. Louis backs away as he comes, and I miss the warmth of his arm around my shoulder. Zayn stops in front of me then begins to wipe my face with it. He is serious, and I stare at his eyes as he concentrates on wiping away all the ice cream from my neck, and my cheeks. Then, surprising me, he leans over and lick my bottom lip. Right in front of Louis.

I see Louis step back through my peripheral vision, but I can’t look away from Zayn. He’s been acting really strange. I look at him questioningly, and he shrugs. “There was ice cream on your lip.”

Then he puts an arm around me and walks me back to the car. “Come on, let’s get you home and cleaned up.” I nod, and I don’t have to look back to know that Lou is staring after us. I can feel his gaze burning at the back of my head.

**

When we get back to my house, Niall and Ed stay downstairs with my mum as Lou, Zayn and I head upstairs. Lou heads straight for his room, but not before he gives me a small smile.

Zayn closes the door of my room behind us, and I have just taken my shirt off when Zayn picks me up and sets me down on the bed, me sitting at the edge. Then he straddles my lap and starts to kiss me.

I melt into him, missing the comfort of his body. I realize we haven’t had sex since Louis came. I feel a pang of guilt – he must have felt lonely – so I start to push him away to lie down on my back so he can fuck me, but then he grabs my wrist and pulls me close again.

“No, Harry, just let me take care of you,” he says, his eyes smouldering into mine. I feel my cock start to harden as he licks down my throat, kissing my shoulder then moving down to my chest. My lips part as he takes my nipple into his mouth and sucks on it. Fuck, I’ve missed his mouth. He nibbles on it, and I close my eyes at the intense pleasure. He moves on to the next nipple, and through the haze of ecstasy I imagine Louis is the one doing this to me.

Then he moves down and kneels on the floor, opening my legs wide. He kisses my toned stomach as he starts to unbutton my shorts. I lift myself up so he can pull my shorts and boxers down, and then my cock springs free, hard from his ministrations.

Then he takes my cock in his mouth and easily slides it all the way in, deep-throating me. He always has been good at this. I grip my bedsheets tight as he rolls his tongue around my dick, sucking noisily and obscenely. I momentarily think about Louis just in the next room and if he can hear Zayn, but then concentrate back on Zayn when he grazes my cock with his teeth. I jerk in pleasure; I fucking love it when he does that.

I bury my hands in his hair and hold him in place, rocking my hips forward and backward. He stays still with his mouth obediently open, allowing me to fuck his throat. My mouth falls open at the feeling of the heat of his throat closing and swallowing around me, and it isn’t long before I freeze and and come in his throat, my cum filling his mouth. He swallows it all without complaint, licking his lips when I pull out and come down from my high. I’m breathing hard; I haven’t done this in a while, and it has affected how long I can hold off my orgasm.

As I catch my breath, Zayn stands up and heads for my dresser, opening it and taking my favourite Guns and Roses muscle tank and brown shorts. He heads to me and holds out my clothes. With a nod thanking him, I take my clothes and put them on. I can’t shake off the awkward feeling in the room with Zayn, and it scares me because it’s never been awkward with him.

Then he sits down on my bed and leans his elbows on his thighs, clasping his fingers together like he always does when he’s thinking of words to say. Concerned, I kneel in front of him and place a hand on top of his. He looks at me, our eyes locking, and the familiarity of his hazel eyes relaxes me. I give him a small smile, and he sighs.

“I’m worried for you, Harry,” he says, and he sounds weary. “You only just met Louis. Is he really the good guy you think he is?”

Without hesitating, I nod vigorously, trying to get Zayn to understand that I do believe Louis is a good person. How horrible can he be, really, with his sweet little smile and innocent, affectionate touches?

Zayn searches my face for any doubt, then says, “It’s just that… Harry, I want you to know I’m still here.”

 _Oh, Zayn._ I touch his cheek and bring his face to me, kissing him softly on the lips. Then I put my forehead to his, looking at him in the eye and hoping he gets my message. _I won’t leave you._

I don’t know if he gets my message. He only closes his eyes for a moment, as if pained, then leans in and presses a soft kiss to my cheek. Then he stands up and heads for the door. “Come on, Harry, let’s not keep them waiting,” he says, not turning back. After a moment, I stand up and follow him out.

Louis is already in the kitchen by the time we get downstairs, and he smiles at me when I enter the kitchen. All my worry about Zayn fades away at that smile, and I can’t help the answering grin that spreads across my face.

“Don’t stay out too late, boys!” Anne calls to us as we head down the porch steps to the beach.

“We won’t!” Louis calls out, and the boys call bye to my mum as I wave silently at her. Then I turn to Louis and raise my eyebrow. _Sucking up to my mother now, are you?_

Then he gives me a cheeky grin. “Harry, you know I adore Anne, she did give birth to you after all.”

I punch his shoulder playfully, blushing a bit at those words. Saying that my heart is beating fast is an understatement.

At six o’clock, there are fairly a lot of people on the beach; locals just chilling, kids playing around, tourists snapping pictures everywhere. I suddenly have the urge to be like those tourists, to take pictures of everything on this beach, especially the blue-eyed boy walking beside me. The setting sun casts shadows on his face, and his blue eyes are brighter than ever in the approaching dark.

We gather driftwood to start a fire, then we pick a spot to build our campfire a few meters from the waters and a bit isolated from the rest of the people on the beach. I teach Louis how to make a fire, and after a few failed attempts from him, excited cheers from Niall and Ed, and silent glowers from Zayn, I take the stick from Louis and build the fire myself instead. Ed adds old newspaper to keep it going, and then we settle ourselves on the sand around the crackling fire. I am about to go sit beside Louis, but then Niall and Ed take their places sitting beside him. My heart sinking a little, I sit beside Ed with Zayn on my other side. Louis is right across me, and as I look at him through the orange glow of the fire, he smiles at me. I smile back.

Niall brought his guitar, so he takes it out of his case and looks to the group. “Song requests, anyone?”

Immediately Louis says, “Wonderwall by Oasis!”

I clap my hands excitedly, nodding my head. Ed claps along with me, and Niall says, “Wonderwall it is, then.” He starts to play the chords, and the music of this song suddenly makes me miss singing so much.

I push the feeling down. I should not sing.

_Today was gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you_   
_By now, you should’ve somehow realized what you got to do_   
_I don’t believe that anybody feels the way I do_   
_About you now…_

Louis looks at me through the fire as he sings, a small smile playing on his lips. The ocean breeze carries his sweet, high voice to my ears, and I know I will always want to hear that voice wherever I am. Allowing myself to imagine he’s singing to me, I smile back and give him a thumbs up. He winks.

_And all the roads we have to walk are winding_   
_And all the lights that lead the way are blinding_   
_There are many things that I would like to say to you_   
_But I don’t know how…_

I watch him sing the chorus. His eyes are soft and blue, with traces of the orange glow from the fire. He’s leaning backwards on his hands, nodding his head to the beat with Ed and looking so relaxed. They look at each other as they sing, and I want him to look at me. My eyes gaze on his lips moving as he sings, and I wish those lips could be mine.

Throughout the whole song, I have eyes only for Louis, for his blue-orange eyes, for his relaxed body, for his little content smile. I take guilty pleasure in seeing him like this, him letting go of everything and having no care for the world. I really now wish I have a camera with me. I want to capture this moment forever and stick it on my wall, because Louis looks so beautiful sitting across me with the light of the fire making him glow.

As the song ends, he looks again to me and, with his eyes blue as ever, sings the last lines.

_Cause maybe_   
_You’re gonna be the one that saves me_   
_And after all,_   
_You’re my wonderwall._

The lyrics hit me like a ton of bricks, making my heart want to jump right out of my chest. I can’t tear my eyes away from his as I listen to the lyrics, to his voice. _Yes, Louis, you can be the one to save me. Yes, Lou, you are my wonderwall._

_I’m falling for you, Lou._

The song ends, and all of us clap and Niall and Lou whoop. “Wow, Louis, I didn’t know you could sing,” Niall says, taking a bag of crisps and opening it noisily. “You’re pretty good.”

Louis chuckles a little, and my heart races at his little smile. “Nah, not really, I just did a bit of theatre and performing when I was younger. Not a big deal,” he says, opening a can of soda and drinking from it.

“We could form a band, lads! That would be so amazing!” Niall says excitedly.

“But I’m going to be a solo artist, remember?” Ed replies, adding some more newspaper to the fire. I nod at that, smiling a little. _Yes, that is one of his biggest dreams, Ed. To be a solo artist._

Then Zayn says, “Ed, don’t be such a loner! Come with us, and we’ll be the best boy band ever!”

Niall laughs and punches the air with a fist. “We’d be legends, the five of us!”

“Four,” Ed corrects.

Then I get an idea. I reach for my notebook in my pocket then scribble something down as Niall and Ed argue over getting together as a boy band. After writing my message, I clap my hands once loudly, getting all their attention. Smiling widely, I show my message.

_I think it’s time to play Ten Years from Now._

“Yes!” Zayn says, and I laugh quietly at him. He’s always the one coming up with the most outrageous things about his future. The thing is, about this game, you can either be serious or just joke about it. That’s what keeps the fire going – literally. And Zayn almost always jokes about it.

“What’s Ten Years from Now?” Louis asks, and I start to write it down for him when Zayn speaks up.

“Basically, you just say where you think you would be ten years from now,” he says to Louis, and I look at him in surprise. This is probably the first thing he’s ever said to Louis without being angry. “You can be serious about it, or just make a laugh.”

When he finishes, I reach out and squeeze his thigh. He looks at me, and I smile. _Thank you._ He smiles back.

“I’ll go first!” Niall says. “I’m going to be in a boy band, and we’ll be so famous we’ll have hit singles on another planet.”

We all laugh, and then Ed says, “I’m going to have a concert in another planet.”

I write something down, and show it to them. _I’m going to live on another planet!_

Then Niall says, “What about you, Louis?”

“Me?” Louis leans backward, and looks up to the starry sky. A small smile is playing on his lips, and a thoughtful look goes over his eyes. I lean forward unconsciously, wanting to know where Louis would want to be. But deep down, I know where I want him to be.

_With me._

Then he shrugs. “I don’t know, maybe I’ll just live on another planet like Harry.”

Niall says, “Oh, that’s boring, Lou! You gotta make up your own!” But I don’t really hear him, because my heart is thumping in my ears so loudly at his answer. _Did he just indirectly say that he wants to live with me?_ I want to rush to him, jump into his arms and scream _yes!_ to him, but he isn’t even looking at me. He’s looking into the fire, fumbling with his fingers. Then, he suddenly looks at me, and the moment our eyes meet he glances away, proceeding to hit Niall on the shoulder and making him fall to the sand.

“Zayn?” Ed says.

“I…” Zayn looks at me and smiles. “I just want to get a dog.”

Everyone laughs, including me. “Are you serious, Zayn?” Niall says, slapping his thighs. “That answer’s probably even more boring than Louis’!”

“Hey, mine was a perfectly good answer!” Louis says, hitting Niall on the shoulder and making him fall once again.

“Stop doing that!” Niall says, laughing and red-faced. He lunges towards Louis and they roll on the ground, kicking and laughing. I watch them, and I can’t help the stab of jealousy that hits me when I see Lou’s sunny smile directed at someone other than me.

Then I feel Zayn’s hand on my thigh, and when I look at him, he whispers, “I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

I smile at him, grateful, and I lean in to kiss him on the lips. _This is normal. Thank you, Zayn._

When I pull away and glance at Louis again, I find him already looking at me, his eyes blank and unreadable. When our eyes meet, he looks away, but I see red tinting his cheeks. My heart sinks. _What have I done? Why doesn’t he want to look at me?_

Our campfire lasts for three more hours, and we are all just having a laugh. The lads sing as Niall strums his guitar, and there was this point that we started throwing chips at each other. Yes, it was a very enjoyable first campfire with Louis, but I can’t shake off the feeling that he’s a bit upset with me. After the campfire, we clean up then, after saying goodbye to the three boys, make our way home. Mum’s already asleep, so Louis heads to his room first to wash up. I head on to the loft through the passage from my room, and then wait for Louis by the trapdoor.

He gets there, and I throw the ladder down to him. When we’re both up already, we head for the couch, and he takes the Walkman and a new CD and starts listening. I sit beside him and rest my head on his shoulder, feeling a bit drowsy. After only a few minutes, I manage to fall asleep.

**

_Louis and I are driving home from the movies. My fingers tap the steering wheel as we laugh, remembering how the popcorn lady thought we were two boys dating. I wish in my head that we are, but it’s not possible because Louis has a girlfriend. I don’t hear him say anything, but his laughter rings in my ears, and his smile makes my whole world light up._

_Then, his eyes glance at the road, and they widen, and he screams so frightening enough to make my blood curdle. I look to the road and see the deer and, with fear gnawing at my very insides, I twist the steering wheel to the right, and the collision of the car and the tree knocks me out. My world fades into black._

_But not before I see Louis’ bleeding head by the broken glass window, and his beautiful, open, unseeing eyes gazing at absolutely nothing._


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I apologize profusely for this very late update! I have been very busy, and I got sick today, but I managed to finish this chapter! Finally! Yay hehe but this is a pretty depressing part. I apologize again for that.  
> Thank you so much for reading! Comment and tell me what you think. ;)  
> -A

_Louis_

I think the first sign of Harry’s nightmare is his twitching.

In the middle of listening to a thirteen-year old recording of Harry, I feel Harry’s head twitch a bit on my shoulder. I pause the recording and look at him, wondering if he’s waking up, then see that his eyes are still closed. I shrug to myself, playing the recording again.

The second sign is his full-on jerks. It is only a few minutes after the first twitch that he suddenly jolts in his sleep, hitting me in the chin with the top of his head hard. I groan at the sudden pain, massaging my chin. I try to wake Harry up so he can sleep on my lap instead, but then he jerks again, almost falling off the sofa in the process.

I catch him before he falls, and after a few moments he starts to jerk multiple times in his sleep. His eyebrows are creased together, and sweat is starting to form on his forehead. I watch him in growing horror as I try to restrain him, and he starts to kick out in his sleep, going against me. “Harry – Harry, _stop_ -“ I pin him down on the sofa, but then he actually knees me in the crotch. I double over, yelping in pain. Then he throws a careless punch to my face, his arms flailing everywhere, and it’s difficult to grab both his wrists and pin it down again on either side of Harry’s face.

He twists and jerks in his sleep, his mouth open in silent screams. I notice tears streaming down his cheeks, and that’s what gets me. “Harry! Harry, wake up!” I grab him by the shoulders and shake him hard. His hands start to flail everywhere again, and amidst all his slapping and kicking, I shout, “Harry, wake up, please! Come back to me, Harry! _Harry!”_

Then his eyes fly open, and the beauty of its green is marred by the frightening redness of the whites of his eyes. He is gasping and breathing hard, and looking at me with an expression in his eyes that could only be described as fear.

Then he throws his arms around my neck and hugs me tight, sobbing and gasping against my neck. Still a bit in shock, I put my arms around him and hold him close to me, rubbing circles on his trembling back. I whisper comforting things to him, kissing his forehead and smoothing his hair. I rock him back and forth, and he clings to me as if I am his lifeline.

We stay that way for what seems like hours, and after that he lets go of my neck and snuggles into me, clinging on to my shirt as he sniffles. I look down at him and wipe the tears off his cheek. “Do you want me to get you some tissue?” I whisper. He shakes his head, tightening his grip on my shirt. “Alright,” I nod, my heart clenching at the sight of Harry breaking down like this. I pull him closer to my chest, and he curls up there, burying his face in my shirt. I hear him start to cry again, gasping and sniffling, so I say, “Shhh, I’m not going anywhere, Harry, go back to sleep.”

Then he shakes his head once more. “Why not?” I ask, and then he looks up at me, his green eyes wide, swollen and rimmed with red. His bottom lip is trembling uncontrollably, and tears streak down his cheeks. My heart breaks at his message.

_I’m scared._

Without thinking, I lean in to press a kiss again to his forehead, and he relaxes a little, letting out a long sigh. He cuddles up to me and rests his head on my chest, and before I know it, I’m singing to him.

_Oh, oh, be my baby_   
_Oh, whoa_   
_Oh, oh, be my baby_   
_And I’ll look after you._

**

Two weeks have passed since I witnessed Harry’s first nightmare, and since then we have been sleeping together. We’ve transferred to his room, because it’s much more comfortable on his bed than that sofa in the loft. Nothing happens, absolutely nothing, except for my gentle kisses on his forehead and singing to relax him after he wakes from his nightmares. Because of that, my listening to his recordings has been put on hold first. I don’t complain, since I get to have the real Harry with me, warm in my arms.

The days go by pretty quickly, with Harry acting normally during the day. Sometimes I find myself staring at him during lunchtime, wondering how he can act so happily around everybody when he’s a silent, tortured mess at night. Then he looks at me, catches my expression and squeezes my arm, and I know I always have to be by his side no matter what. Then Niall catches our movement, and proceeds to tease the both of us with each other. Zayn and Ed join in, and I am happy because I think I have finally gained Zayn’s trust. It’s worth it, especially when I see the happy smile on Harry’s face every time Zayn and I get along.

I’ve just been in Hawaii for a month, and I feel like so many things have happened already. Meeting Harry, kissing Harry, listening to Harry, holding Harry; my life is now revolving around that green-eyed, curly-haired boy. We’ve grown so close in such a short span of time that it’s comical. Though he doesn’t tell me what he sees in his dreams, I imagine that they must be truly horrible for him to wake up like that, eyes wide with terror.

I have been keeping in touch with Eleanor through text messages, but every time I get up and actually think about calling her I see Harry, and suddenly I forget. Guilt makes me text her almost every day during lunch time, apologizing and saying I’ve been a bit busy. Eleanor trusts me, and I am grateful to have her.

December approaches and little by little, I feel the Christmas vibes. On the first week of the month, people in school were already starting to sing Christmas jingles in the hallways. Most of the time I started them, then everyone else would pick up. It was quite fun when people followed my singing. In the mall, Christmas songs started to play on the speakers, and there were sales everywhere you turned.

Now, the lads and I are sitting in our usual campfire place, singing Jingle Bells at the top of our lungs. We are all a bit drunk – apart from Harry, who refuses to drink – as Niall had managed to get a hold on some drinks from his dad’s stock. Harry is sitting beside me, and I have an arm around his shoulders. I am waving my drink with my other hand as I sing the wrong lyrics, downing my bottle every now and then. We are quite a sight, us five lads – four very tipsy, very wild boys singing an unspeakable version of Jingle Bells and a cute, mute boy laughing silently at the scene in front of him.

We finish the song, and our hollers and laughter carry through the night, the ocean breeze gentle on our faces. I look to Harry beside me, and our eyes meet, and I don’t think his eyes have ever been greener than it is now. The light from the fire puts his tan skin into a glow, and I am mesmerized when he smiles and shows me the dimples I’ve grown to love.

 _Love?_ I reach out and pinch his soft cheeks while making a silly face, and he throws his head back, laughing that silent laugh of his. I grab his chin and start showering his face with small kisses. The sides of his eyes crinkle as he smiles widely, and I imagine hearing him giggling in my ear, and just the mere thought of that fills me with immediate, unexplainable joy.

Then, through the drunken haze of my little kisses on Harry’s nose and the loud whoops and catcalls from the boys, I hear a distant ringing. I suddenly jolt away from Harry when I realize it’s my phone. I reach inside my pocket and answer the phone without looking at the caller ID. “’ello?”

“Louis! Thank heavens I’ve reached you, I’ve been trying to call you for days!”

I pull my arm away from Harry’s shoulder suddenly at the sweet, sickeningly familiar female voice. Dread fills me. “Eleanor?” I say into the phone, sobering up immediately. I look at Harry, and catch the smile from his face disappearing. His eyes aren’t lit up like the stars anymore.

“Yes, it’s me, baby! Now, you don’t seem to be too happy to hear from me,” she says, and I can hear a pout in her voice. I scramble for words.

“I – I’m sorry, baby, I just didn’t expect a call from you,” I say, my heart beating fast. Harry refuses to look at me, and even scoots closer to Zayn who is on his other side.

“Of course I’ll call you, Lou babe, I’ve missed you so so much!” she squeals. “How is it there? Are you doing okay? What are you doing now?”

“I’ve missed you too, El,” I say, and Zayn puts an arm around Harry’s shoulders, glaring at me. I shrug helplessly. What else am I supposed to say? “It’s great here,” I continue, trying to sound preppy. “I’ve been doing real good. The beach is amazing, and I’ve made quite a lot of friends now. I’m actually – uhm, I’m actually drinking with some of them right now.”

“Oh, you are? Have I interrupted something?” she asks.

I feel a twinge of annoyance, and the sudden want to say, _Yes, you did!,_ but then I push it down. “No, no, it’s alright, El, we weren’t doing much.”

I look around at their faces, and I see hurt flash in Niall’s and Ed’s. Zayn just looks angry, like he did in my first two weeks. But Harry’s face breaks my heart. He is looking at me now, and his eyes are shining with tears. His bottom lip is trembling, just like it does when he’s about to cry. Our eyes meet, and with them he says, _Nothing much?_

I open my mouth to say his name, to tell him I don’t mean it, to say _anything_ to wipe that heartbreaking expression off his face, but El’s voice in my ear interrupts me. “Anyway, I’ve called you tonight because Jay and I want to tell you something!”

“Mum’s there?” I ask. That caught my attention. I haven’t spoken to her in a month.

“No, she isn’t, sorry babe,” El apologizes. “But she told me to call you and say that she and I are coming over to Hawaii for your birthday!”

Nothing could have prepared me for that huge bomb she dropped.

After a moment of my stomach dropping to the ground and making me feel sick to the bones, I say weakly, “You are?”

“Yes! I am so excited to see you! We’re going to be there on the day before Christmas, and we’ll leave two days after your birthday,” she babbles, clearly not hearing the dread in my voice. “You’ve got to introduce me to your friends, and your foster brother too!”

“Who?” I blurt out when she says _foster brother_ , and then realize she means Harry. “Oh – oh, you mean Harry? Yeah, you’ll meet him when you get here,” I mumble, hoping the boys don’t catch what I say. But they still do, because all of their eyes widen, and they look like they want to throw their bottles of alcohol at me. I don’t even want to look at Harry.

“That’s great! Wow, I can’t wait to get there!” she says, and I want to punch myself in the face at how excited she is. “Listen, I’ve got to go now, babe, the bill to call you is quite high.” Then, her voice drops to a seductive whisper when she says, “I’ve missed you so much, baby. I can’t wait to feel your cock moving inside me again.” I almost choke at those words, and despite my heart saying no, my dick twitches in my shorts.

“Y-yeah, me too,” I stammer shakily, feeling my face flush.

Eleanor laughs. “Aw, baby, don’t worry, you’re going to get laid very soon,” she says, giggling. “Bye, Lou! I love you so much, see you soon!”

“Love you too, babe,” is all I can reply weakly before I hear a click, signalling the end of our call.

I look up at the faces of the lads, and am greeted by a mixture of disbelief, disappointment and anger. My eyes linger on Harry, whose face is buried in Zayn’s chest. My heart clenches at the sight. _That’s supposed to be me._

“You dick,” Zayn says angrily, breaking the terse silence. “You really had to invite your stinking girlfriend over, didn’t you?”

I snap. “I didn’t invite her! She invited herself over!” I shout back, clenching my fists.

“Oh? To do what? I bet all she wants is to see you so she can get fucked in a Hawaiian beach!” Zayn shouts, pulling Harry closer.

This time he’s crossed the line. “You take that back, you fucker,” I say, standing up. Anger courses through my veins, and all I want to do is pummel him into the ground.

“Oh, yeah?” Zayn lets go of Harry and pushes himself off the ground, moving closer to me. We are nose-to-nose when he says, “Make me.”

That does it. I throw a punch at his face, and I hear the sickening crack when my fist connects with his jaw. He stumbles backwards, shocked at first, and then looks at me. Fury sparks in his eyes, and he says, “You are so getting it,” before punching me hard in the stomach.

I am unprepared for the strength of his punch, so I almost fall backwards, but right myself at the very last moment. I charge towards him and start throwing punches everywhere at him, anger boiling at the pit of my stomach. _How dare he say that about Eleanor? How dare he insult her like that? How dare he?_

I feel him punching me also, but I keep going. His fist cracks my lip open, and I taste blood as I kick him in the shin unexpectedly. He falls to his knees as he screams in pain, and I push him to the ground and get on top of him. I don’t hear Niall’s and Ed’s terrified shouts as I throw punches at his face, anger giving me the adrenaline to keep going, to keep going. I bruise his face over and over again, my mind shut off from rational thinking.

“Louis, you’re killing him! Stop it!” Then I feel strong arms wrap around my body, pulling me away from Zayn. I kick and scream as I stare at Zayn lying helplessly on the ground, baring my teeth in anger. _Let go of me! I need to set him in his place, that stupid, fucking lowlife-_

Then I catch Harry’s face, and stop flailing when I see him. His eyes are wide and terrified, and he looks at me as if I am something dangerous, someone he wouldn’t want to be seen with. _What..._  I look down at my hands, and they are caked in blood. Zayn's blood. I start to shake as it fully dawns on me what I have done. I look at Zayn on the ground and gasp at his bloody face, one of his eyes already purple from the beating I gave him. I go limp, and I look up to see Harry coming towards me with a serious expression. I open my mouth, starting to apologize. “Harry, I-“

_Slap!_

My head cracks to the side when I feel Harry’s hand slap painfully across my cheek. My heart stops and my eyes widen at the sudden pain; not just at the sting of his slap, but at the pain of being slapped by none other than Harry.

Silence fills the campfire, and Niall’s arms around me loosen. He lets go of me, and I just stand there in absolute shock, staring at Harry. I see the anger in his eyes, the disbelief, the _disappointment,_ and what breaks me is the way his bottom lip is still trembling. His green eyes, those green eyes I’ve gotten so familiar with through endless nights of crying and singing, are now staring at me as if I am some kind of monster. They only send one message, and I hear it clearly in my brain.

_I can’t believe you._

I stand there in absolute shock as he turns away and heads to Zayn, who is standing up and cupping his bad eye. “Harry – ugh, look at what that jerk did to me, you don’t deserve someone like him-“

Harry’s hand cracks along his face, and Zayn actually stumbles backwards, the shock evident in his eyes. He looks to Harry, his mouth gaping and his anger gone. “Harry, what-?”

Harry glares at him, and then turns away and starts to head for the house. I watch numbly as Zayn stumbles towards Harry, begging him to stop for a minute and apologizing over and over. As for me, I don’t feel anything. I am empty; I am void, as if someone has just sucked the life out of me. Around me, I hear Niall and Ed start to clean up the mess of the campfire, but I can’t seem to move. My brain isn’t functioning properly, because all I can think about is the disappointment in Harry’s beloved green eyes. Now, I can feel something: my heart breaking.

I don’t know how long I stand there, but I know it is long after Niall and Ed finish cleaning, long after they both pat me on the back with sorry looks on their faces, long after the fire dies out and leaves me in the dark, that I finally move. My hands start to shake uncontrollably, and my knees give in. I fall to the ground, my head bowed, my heart aching.

And for the first time in three years, I start to cry, the gentle, ocean breeze carrying my wails and cries up to the far reaches of the dark sea.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long chapter, and a sad one at that. But I promise that after this, it will all lighten up! Just hold on with me! I love you so much for reading!  
> -A

_Harry_

I haven’t spoken to Louis in a week.

It hurts to see him in the morning before we leave for school in Zayn’s car. It hurts to see him walking around the hallways and trying to explain his cracked lip to everyone in his year. It hurts to see him sitting in a different table at lunch with his Chemistry friends. It hurts going home without him. It hurts eating dinner at home with him, getting along with my mum more than me. It hurts to see his sideway glances at me. It hurts to see his cerulean blue eyes, so beautiful and yet so broken.

But most of all, it hurts not having him with me when I sleep at night, not having his arms around me and his voice soothing me after a nightmare. The nightmares have been getting worse, and the bags under my eyes are getting bigger and bigger as I refuse to sleep. I firmly believed, during those nights with Louis, that he was healing me. Now just the thought of him tears me apart.

I refuse to talk to Zayn, hanging out mostly with Ed now. Niall’s gone to Zayn, since they were best friends before Zayn met me. I do everything with Ed now. When the break started, I bought my Christmas presents with him, and even if he kept pushing me to, I didn’t buy a present for Louis. I didn’t invite Zayn, but he still offered to bring me to school and take me home. He’ll never allow me to walk home, and he accepts the fact that I choose to ignore him. That’s why I love Zayn.

But having Louis drifting away from me has left a deep hole in my chest. I feel it everywhere, when I’m in class, when I’m walking on the beach, when I’m playing footie, even when I’m taking a wee. All I think about is him, how I miss him and his warm arms and his strong chest and his soothing voice and his ocean eyes I used to drown in every night. I miss him so much it hurts, and I hate how cliché I sound, but falling in love with Louis and knowing he probably hates me now has made me realize that even the most cliché of things can be true.

I wake up at three in the morning, gasping through my tears. The nightmare keeps replaying in my head, and I bury my face in my hands, wanting to scream out at the pain. Everything is painful; my head, my body, my heart.

I stumble to the bathroom and wash my face. I look into the mirror, and I see that my eyes are red and puffy. I try to crack a smile, but to no avail. I end up with an ugly grimace, and I sigh. I look at my hands, and they are noticeably thinner. I had definitely lost some weight since that night.

Then I realize what day it is. Today is the day Eleanor and Louis’ mum come over.

I want to bang my head into the wall at that. How am I supposed to face the both of them like this? I look horrible, like a skeleton of my former self. Even if I don’t talk to Louis anymore, I still want to look my best for his loved ones. I want to make a good impression. I want to look at Eleanor in the eye while I’m at my best, and challenge her silently. I want to tell her how close Louis and I have become, and make her jealous and angry and all the things I am feeling now.

But I can’t ever compete with her. No matter what I do, she’ll still own Louis’ heart.

**

_Louis_

Liam picks up Anne, Harry and I from the house at around ten in the morning to go to the airport so we can properly welcome Eleanor and my mum. My palms are sweaty and I am nervous to see the both of them. I wonder what they’ll think of Harry.

I look sideways at him. He is seated beside me in the back of the car, being his usual quiet self. He is staring out the window, and as we pass by the road of trees where the accident took place, the expression in his eyes shifts. I see the dark circles under his eyes, and how prominent his jaw is so suddenly. He has considerably thinned since the night of the fight with Zayn. I’ve been watching him and he’s barely been eating or taking anything in. It hurts to see him like this. I want to wrap my arms around him and hold him close to me again, but I fear that he’ll push me away. I don’t think I’ll be able to take that.

He sees me glancing at him, and I try for a smile. The side of his lips twitches, and then he looks away out of the window again. I sigh and settle more comfortably in my seat. That’s the best I can get from him. That’s more than I deserve.

We arrive at the airport at around half past ten, and we have five minutes until my mum and El land here. I have my phone in my hands, just in case one of them tries to call me. We stand outside the airport, and Liam and Anne are talking by themselves. I turn to Harry to try to make small conversation, and see him looking down at the ground, his hands in his jeans pockets and fidgeting on his feet.

I walk to him, and when I’m standing in front of him I say, “Hey.”

He doesn’t look at me, only kicks a pebble to the side. He keeps his eyes downcast, and I sigh. I should have known it wouldn’t be easy to get Harry back.

“How have you been?” I say lamely. I never found it awkward talking to Harry even if he doesn’t say anything back, but now I definitely do.

He looks up at me with one eyebrow raised, as if to say, _Is that seriously your question?_

I chuckle nervously, fixing my fringe. “Sorry, I just – actually, I just want to say I’m sorry,” I stammer. He looks away from me again, kicking the ground. I hurry with my words. “I’m sorry I punched Zayn first. I guess I felt insulted when he talked about Eleanor like that.”

Harry still doesn’t look at me. I continue. “I’m sorry I fought with Zayn. I know you were glad when we two were finally getting along. It’s just that – that night, I wasn’t thinking. I was stupid, and I was stupid not to think of how you would feel. I’m sorry,” I finish.

He looks at me from the tops of his eyelashes, and I stare his long eyelashes. I’ve touched them once, when he was asleep, just for kicks. He looked so peaceful in my arms. His eyelashes felt like feathers under my fingertips.

He takes out his notebook and pen from his pocket and proceeds to write something down. He shows me his message. _Do you really think that’s the only reason I’m upset with you?_

I look at him, confused. _What else have I done, apart from punching Zayn_? He stares back at me reproachfully, as if waiting for me to finally get it. But I don’t.

“I – I’m sorry, Harry, I don’t know what else I have done,” I say, my heart sinking when sadness washes over his eyes. He looks away again and pockets his things, turning away from me. I reach out to touch him, but hesitate. He doesn’t want me near him. He doesn’t want to have anything to do with me.

“Harry, just know-“ I choke on my words. I clear my throat, my heart beating loud in my ears. “Just know that everything I said before that night – everything we did, everything I told you – was all real. Those were all so real to me, and I wouldn’t dream of faking anything to you.”

Then he turns to me again, and my heart clenches at the ray of hope in his eyes, and all I want to do is see his dimpled smile again and hug him and have him back in my arms so he can have that look on his face forever-

“Louis!”

I spin around at that familiar voice, and a smile breaks across my face when I see my dear mum rushing towards me, arms spread out wide. “Mum!” I cry, and I run to her, wrapping her in a big hug. The familiar scent of her fills me up, and my heart is suddenly aching because I just realize that I have missed her, the girls and home so much.

I pull away, and she lightly touches my cheek, smiling at me. “Oh, my boy, I’ve missed you so much! We have a lot of catching up to do,” she says, and I laugh, because sudden happiness is filling me up and making me feel like I’m on top of the world.

Then I feel skinny girl arms wrap around my waist from behind, and I freeze. _Eleanor._ I turn around, and there she is, sweet and girly Eleanor, smiling up at me and blushing a little. “Hi, Lou babe,” she says, and then kisses me on the nose.

I twist around to hug her, and all the moments with her suddenly come back to me; meeting her for the first time, going on our first date, travelling to Paris together, skiing together, and the first time I made love to her. I hug her tightly, taking her in. I do miss her. I love Eleanor, and no one else.

_I love Eleanor._

I kiss her lightly on the lips, and her familiar giggle fills my ears. I smile down at her, saying, “Hey babe, how have you been?” Then she throws her arms around me and gives me a proper kiss, and I wrap my arms around her waist because that is what I do. _This is what is normal. This is what is right._

But when I pull away from her and see Harry standing beside his mum staring at me with an angry look in his eyes, I find that I don’t know what is right anymore.

**

_Harry_

I hate Eleanor.

From the moment she traipsed into my life with her long wavy hair and girl scent and kissed Louis right in front of me, I hated her. I hate her perfect teeth, her twinkling eyes, her sleek shiny hair, her long thin legs, her annoying giggles and just _her._ I am sure I have not hated someone as much as I hate her.

And when she greeted Liam and my mum so politely with that fucking annoying accent of hers, I hated her even more. Goodness, I will be sent to hell for just thinking about all the ways I could murder her.

And when she walked over to me, smiled at me and said, “Is this Harry? He is so adorable!” like I was a little kid, I hated her even more than more. I glowered at her and she retreated back to Louis, looking confused at my behaviour. I don’t care if I didn’t have the mind to be polite. She is fucking annoying, and I will treat her however I like.

After we drop Lou, his mum and that fucking girl at the hotel they are staying, Anne, Liam and I head home. I sit at the back alone, glaring at my shoes. Jealousy makes my blood boil in me, and I feel like breaking a window. _How can Louis stand that girl? What the heck does she have that I don’t? Boobs?_

“Harry.”

I refuse to look up when my mum says my name.

“Harry, I’ve invited them over for Christmas eve dinner tonight.”

That’s when I look up. My mouth opens disbelievingly and I look at my mum through the rearview mirror. _What?_

“It’s only polite to invite them. I expect you to be in your best behaviour tonight.”

At that, I glower at her, clenching my fists. _Control yourself, Harry. She isn’t worth getting mad over._

“I was very disappointed with you in the airport back there. You will be nice to Eleanor, and no buts.”

 _Stop telling me what to do!_ My temper snaps and, without thinking, I open the car door beside me and tumble out of the car. I need to get away from them. I need to get away from all of this. Fuck them bitches.

I get on my feet and see I’m in the road of trees. My heart clenches, but I run into the cover of the forest, ignoring the shouts of my name behind me. I run forward blindly, and am horrified when I feel tears start to stream down my cheeks. _Harry, no, stop crying!_ I wipe my tears frantically from my eyes, my heart aching. In my head, the image of Louis and Eleanor kissing keeps replaying, and I run forward faster, not caring if I hit a tree and break my neck. I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t want to see someone else be taken away from me.

I stumble on a root and fall face first on the ground, and I feel leaves and sharp twigs scratching my skin everywhere. I taste blood and soil on my lip, and my body feels bruised up. I think I feel blood trickling down my face, but I don’t make a move to confirm it. I lie on the ground, numb and aching at the same time.

_Take me now. Please, just take me. I want to be with Gemma again. I’d rather be with her than here._

I don’t know how long I lie there on the ground, but the last things I see before I pass out are blurry dark shadows, and a pair of Toms sandals right in front of my eyes.

**

_Louis_

I sit outside the emergency room in the hospital, my head in my hands. The only thing in my mind is Harry’s bloody, messed up face, and the dead look in his eyes before he passed out on the forest ground. He had a huge gash in his head when I found him on the ground, and it took all of me not to start wailing and screaming in fear. I grip my hair, trying to calm myself down. _Harry’s a strong boy. He will live. He has to._

I hear running footsteps, so I look up and see Zayn, Ed and Niall running down the hall. Niall and Ed both look distressed, but the terror in Zayn’s eyes is in a whole new level. I find myself wanting to reach out to him, to let him know that I understand his fear.

Then Zayn sees me, and anger replaces the look in his eyes. He charges towards me, seizes me by the shirt and pulls me up. “What the fuck did you do to Harry?” he shouts angrily, and the other people in the hallway look to us.

“I did nothing!” I shout back, trying to push him away from me, but he has an iron grip on my shirt.

“Drop it, Zayn, Louis wouldn’t hurt Harry,” Niall says behind him. Zayn glares at me for a moment longer, then pushes me back to my seat. I hit the metal seat hard, and my bum starts to ache. Zayn heads for the door of the room Harry is in, but two male nurses try to push him out.

“I’m sorry, sir, you can’t go in there just yet,” one of them says, but Zayn pushes him violently out of the way. The nurse hits the door hard with a sickening thud.

“Shut up! I need to see Harry right now!” he shouts, and the manic look in his eyes scares me. He charges towards the room again, but the other nurse tries to restrain him. Zayn then throws a punch at his face, and the nurse falls to the ground. Niall and Ed grab Zayn by the arms and pull him backwards, Zayn screaming to let him go.

“What the fuck, Niall, Ed? I need to see Harry! I _have_ to see him! _Let go of me!_ ” he screams, struggling against them, but they are both too strong for him. They set him on the bench on the other side of the door, restraining him and yelling at him to calm down.

Looking at him now, I realize just how much Zayn loves Harry. I watch him scream at Niall and Ed, and it all almost happens in slow motion. He slaps Ed in the face and kicks Niall in the shin, but the two boys still restrain him. He screams out loud manically, and underneath all the madness I see the fear in his eyes. I see the same fear that is gnawing at me in the heart, making me want to punch a wall or destroy something.

The fear that Harry isn’t coming back.

After a few minutes Zayn calms down, and his face is pressed against Niall’s shoulder. I hear him crying, his broken sobs filling my ears. I look away, clenching my fists. I feel guilt in my heart. _Maybe if I hadn’t answered that call, this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe if Eleanor hadn’t come, Harry wouldn’t be in the emergency room right now with a deep gash in his head. Maybe if I had talked to Harry sooner, Zayn wouldn’t be breaking down right now, in front of everyone to see. Maybe if I hadn’t come to Hawaii, none of this would have happened._

Then someone sits beside me, and I look to my left to see Ed. “Hey, mate,” he says quietly, and I look away from him. I don’t want him to see how close I am to tears.

“How’s Harry?” he asks me, and my heart clenches at his name. I shrug, not knowing his condition. I feel tears burning at the back of my eyes, but I fight to keep them away.

“I’m surprised you aren’t breaking down like Zayn over there,” Ed continues as if I’m not a silent stone waiting to be crushed by a mega-ton truck.

I laugh bitterly at that. “Trust me, it’s taking all my willpower not to go berserk,” I say, and even to my own ears I hear how broken I am.

Ed looks at me sadly, as if he knows exactly what I’m going through. And he probably does, since he’s known Harry for so long already.

What he doesn’t know is all my moments with Harry in his bedroom, sleeping and singing to him. He doesn’t know how lovely it is when Harry so much as smiles and shows his dimples. He doesn’t know the way my heart jumps to my throat when I see Harry in the morning, his hair all messed up but still managing to look like a sex god. He doesn’t know the heat that travels to different parts of my body when Harry looks at me. He just doesn’t.

After a few moments of silence, Ed speaks again. “Do you know why Zayn and Harry are so close?” he asks me. I look at him curiously, and I shake my head. Ed takes a deep breath, then says, “Zayn wasn’t always so angry at the world.” I snort in spite of the situation, and Ed chuckles a little. “Seriously, Zayn used to be a really happy guy. Quiet, but happy.” Ed smiles wistfully, as if remembering a memory. “He was a funny one, that lad. He made a lot of people in school laugh a lot. He and Niall were like partners in crime.” Then he turns all serious again, and he drops his eyes to the floor. “Then he met Josh, and his life completely changed.”

“Who’s Josh?” I ask.

“He was a drummer,” Ed says, and the fact that he uses past tense doesn’t escape me.

“’Was’?” I ask. Ed nods.

“Yes, ‘was’. He died of lung cancer twelve months ago,” he says, and I gasp.

“How old was he?”

“Nineteen. He was a bit of a daredevil, riding motorbikes and smoking a lot. You know those kinds of people,” Ed explains. “And when Zayn met him, good Lord, it was like a moth to a flame. Zayn started hanging out with him a lot more than with Niall, and Zayn started to change. He became a lot more reckless, and he started to smoke at the age of fifteen. He completely idolized Josh, and Josh knew it. He and Zayn had a… a relationship, if you will,” Ed says.

“You mean, they fucked each other from time to time,” I say.

Ed makes a sidelong glance at me, then sighs. “Yes, they did. Zayn was completely starstruck. They were together for ten long months, and then Josh was diagnosed with lung cancer. It was so bad that the doctor said he only had five months left to live. He died after two months.” Ed glances at Zayn, who is now silent and unmoving, staring at the wall blankly in front of him. “Zayn was devastated. He shut himself off from everyone but Niall, who still had his back after everything. I don’t know what might have happened if Niall wasn’t there anymore for him.”

I stare at Zayn too, finally beginning to understand him. “How did he cope?”

“That’s when Harry comes into the picture,” Ed says. “A month after Josh’s death, Gemma dies in the accident, and Harry, the dear boy, starts having sex with anything that moves. It went on for about three months, then he met Zayn. They knew they were both going through the same thing: the death of a loved one. So that’s what started it all between them, the sex and the overprotective-ness and everything.”

“But why would Zayn love Josh? Josh wrecked him,” I say, and Ed shrugs.

“Who knows? Love is a wonderful thing, Lou, but even the most wonderful things have the capacity to destroy you,” Ed says.

I stare at him. “You will really make a great singer-songwriter in the future,” I say randomly, and he laughs quietly.

“Thanks, Lou,” he says. “But that’s it. That’s Zayn’s story, and how his intertwined with Harry’s. It’s all simple, really. Now you understand why Zayn is so upset about this whole thing. Hospitals make him queasy, but Harry _in_ a hospital makes him downright murderous.”

I nod, because I can’t seem to find the right words to say. I don’t think there is anything more to say, not when two deaths hang in the air and a possible one clouds all our heads.

_Don’t think that way, Louis! Harry will come back. He will._

We sit there in silence for what seems like ages. Anne, Liam, my mum and Eleanor come back from dinner after an hour so I can have dinner, but I refuse. I can’t leave, not when Harry is still in a fragile state. The rest of the boys don’t go too. Eleanor sits beside me and sets her head on my shoulder, lacing my fingers with hers. I grimace. My first reaction is to push her away, because it’s supposed to be Harry’s head on my shoulder, not hers, but stop myself. This is Eleanor, and she’s only trying to comfort me, because that’s what girlfriends do.

Everyone starts to fall asleep around me, but I fight to keep my eyes open. Every time I almost fall asleep, I pinch myself hard to wake up again. I need to stay awake, just in case the doctor comes out to announce Harry’s condition.

And it all pays off, because at three in the morning the doctor comes out of the room. I jolt out of my seat, barely caring that I’ve made Eleanor fall and bump her face on the metal, effectively waking her up. “Doctor, how is he?” I ask immediately.

“He is in surprisingly good condition,” the doctor says. “The gash on his head isn’t as deep as we thought it had been, and we’ve stitched it up quite nicely. He’s been recuperating for the past hours. The only thing we were worried about was that he doesn’t want to speak.”

“Is he awake right now?” I ask and make a move to the door, because I really want to see Harry – _I really need to see him now, goddamnit_ – but the doctor blocks my way.

“He is not, he is resting as of now. You will be able to see him later in the morning when he is fully rested. He will be discharged later evening, just in time for any Christmas dinner plans,” the doctor says, and I breathe out a sigh of relief.

“Thank you, doctor, I can’t thank you enough,” I say, relief filling me. _Harry’s going to live! He’s going to live!_

The doctor leaves, and I proceed to wake everyone up with the good news. Anne bursts into tears the moment I tell her, and Liam looks like he’s won the lottery. Niall and Ed nod to themselves and hug each other in relief. Eleanor and my mum pat me on the back, both of them a bit awkward as they don’t really know Harry.

Then I see Zayn coming towards me, his face unreadable. He stands before me, looking into my eyes. I fear he is going to punch me, or knee me in the crotch, even, but what he does surprises me. He reaches out to me and pulls me into a tight hug. Shocked, I slowly raise my arms to pat him on the back, and that is when I notice he is trembling. I hold him to me, and I feel wetness on my shoulder where he presses his face. I smile down at him sadly, and we stand there holding each other for a good while, because despite all the arguments and the glowering and all the rivalry, we have found something we have in common.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys, it's been a long time! I'm sorry for this terribly late update, I had gone on a road trip with my friends last weekend and I've been quite busy since then, so I've only been able to type this out really recently. I apologize profusely, but here it is! I love you all for reading! Shoutout to Candacorn for being here since the beginning and being so incredibly helpful. :) Yay!  
> -A

_Harry_

_I am sitting alone in the middle of a completely white room: four white walls, a white floor and a white ceiling. There is no furniture at all; it is empty, apart from me. I am hugging my knees, pressing them against my chest._

_I stand up, and I feel my body creaking like old clockwork. I look around me, and startle when I see Gemma standing behind me, a small smile on her face._

_“Gemma?” I say, then clamp my hand over my mouth. My voice. I used my voice._

_Gemma walks over to me, and seeing her again, her eyes bright and beautiful and so_ alive _, brings tears to my eyes. She touches the hand I put on my mouth, and I choke back a sob at her touch. She pulls my hand away from my mouth and smiles at me kindly. “You can speak, Harry,” she says softly._

_At that, I open my mouth and say the first name that comes into my mind._

_“Louis.”_

_My eyes widen and I clamp my hands over my mouth again, but Gemma only giggles softly at me. “Oh, Harry, you don’t need to be afraid,” she says, cupping my cheek. “I have been watching you, baby brother. I see the way you look at him. If it’s not love, I don’t know what it is.”_

_“But Gemma-“ My voice cracks, and the sound of it startles me. My voice is a bit deeper now. “I don’t know what love even is.”_

_She smiles at me fondly, then presses a soft kiss to my cheek. “That kiss was love,” she says, pulling away. “Being best friends is love. Getting jealous is love. Wanting to kiss another person is love. And this…” She takes my hands and rests them on her stomach, which I now notice is bulging. “This is love too.”_

_I gasp. Gemma’s… pregnant? “Gemma, how…?”_

_“I’ve always loved Liam. He loved me too,” she says simply. “You can ask him all about it.”_

_My mind is a whirlwind. Gemma had a baby with Liam? Was this planned? Where is the baby now? Who’s taking care of him or her?_

_Did the baby die in the accident with Gemma?_

_My heart beats wildly in horror. I open my mouth to ask Gemma the question, but she shushes me. “Sshhh, Harry, all the answers will come to you soon, I promise. All you have to do is ask.”_

_“But Gemma, I-“_

_“I’ll always be here, Harry,” she continues, pointing to my heart. “You know that.”_

_Then suddenly I am struck by the realization that I’m never seeing her again. Ever. I grab her hands and hold them tightly. My fear makes tears start to fall from my eyes. “Gemma, please – please don’t leave me again.”_

_Then she presses a kiss to my forehead. “I never left.” Then she gently pries her hands from mine to cup my face. “Say hi to mum for me, would you? She loves you very much. Tell Liam I will love him forever. And about Louis, I know you’ll do the right thing, Harry. Your love for him is pure and true, and I know you are mature enough to know what will make Louis happy.”_

_I am sobbing full-on now, memorizing Gemma’s beautiful, radiant face one last time. “I miss you,” I choke out._

_“I know,” she says, then she leans in to my ear. She whispers, “And I think it’s time for you to wake up.”_

**

The moment I walk out of the hospital room, I am greeted by a loud sob to my right. I look to the direction of the sound and then a flurry of brown hair and a flowery dress makes me stumble backwards, because my mum has just tackled me into a huge hug, crying messily on my shoulder.

“Harry, oh, Harry, my baby, you’re okay,” she babbles, her arms tight around me. In shock at her sudden show of affection, I stand there helplessly, wondering what I should do. I don’t know what it feels like to hug my mother anymore.

Then I look up and see Liam standing across from us, watching me and my mum. Our eyes meet, and he nods at me, smiling gently and encouragingly. Reluctantly, I wrap my arms around my mum, embracing her after eight long silent years.

She cries harder at that and presses me closer to her, and my heart fills up to the brim with happiness. I suddenly want to cry, because I realize I’ve been so lonely without my mum, so sad without her touch. She is warm to hug, comfortable and cuddly like all mothers are, and I don’t want to let her go.

Liam and Anne help me to the car, fussing over my head and asking me if I’m dizzy every two seconds, but I’m fine, really. I feel a lot better than I look. The head bandage doesn’t really help eliminate the pitying looks of people we pass by. As much as I can, I steal side glances at LIam. I wonder if my mum knows about it.

In the car ride on the way home, my mum chatters away excitedly about Christmas dinner, which she prepared while I was resting. I smile fondly at her, missing the sound of her voice. I’ve forgotten how comforting it is to have my mum talk to me like that, her smile lighting up my world.

Then she mentions inviting Lou, his mum and Eleanor to our Christmas dinner, and I feel slightly queasy at that. How do I face the three of them now? What happened to me was so terribly embarrassing, and I was just planning to go hide in my room after Christmas dinner. Apparently, that isn’t an option anymore.

“Jay is a really nice person,” Anne says about Lou’s mum. “I think we’re getting on pretty well. Lou was raised by such an amazing person, I can tell you that.”

I look out the window at the darkening sky and smile a little. _Of course he was, Lou is the nicest person on this planet. I only expect that his family is the same._

The mere thought of seeing Louis again makes me all jittery and nervous. As we get nearer to the house, my palms start to sweat and I fumble nervously with my fingers. My stomach feels like it’s flipping over and over again, and my throat feels dry. _What do I do when I see him? Smile? Act like nothing happened? Be formal and polite?_ I run my fingers through my hair nervously when I see the bright Christmas lights of my house from a distance, wondering if I look away. My heart is making somersaults in my chest, and my blood is pounding in my veins.

The car pulls up on the driveway and Liam and my mum get out. I stay inside for a moment, taking deep breaths to calm myself down. _Relax, Harry, it’s just Louis. You know Louis, he’s your close friend. Just a friend. A friend._

But when I step out of the car with my mum’s help, hear bounding footsteps on the porch, and look up to see Louis’ blue eyes shining in the dark, I know he isn’t just a friend. Not to me, not to him.

He makes a kind of choked gasp when he sees me, then rushes towards me and tackles me in an embrace. I right myself and then hug him back tightly, clinging to him desperately because I’ve missed this so much; his warmth, his scent, the comfort of being held in his arms.

“Harry, oh, Harry, Harry, _Harry_ …” he keeps whispering as if he can’t get enough of saying my name. He chokes against my neck and pulls me tighter, and I bask in his warmth, in his affection, in his love. I know he loves me. He just doesn’t know it yet.

He pulls away and proceeds to check my face, touching me everywhere. His eyebrows are furrowed in concern as he says things like, “Are you okay, Harry?” and “Does anything feel strange?” and “Do you want me to get you anything?” I stare into his worried blue eyes and wonder how I got through a week without his touch. I remember the feeling of his name on my lips in that dream with Gemma, and I know he will be the one to heal me. I know he will the one to bring back my voice.

When his hand brushes against my cheek, I lean towards his touch, laughing silently at all his fussing about. He suddenly stops talking and stares at me properly. I give him a small smile. _I’m okay._

He cups my face in his hands and kisses my forehead, laughing quietly with me. “I know, I know,” he babbles, and the relief and happiness in his voice fills me to the brim with joy. The small smile on his face, and the fact that it’s directed at me, makes me so happy I want to cry.

Then I look up and see Eleanor watching us from the porch. I push Louis away from me quickly. He looks at me, confused, then I force a smile at him. I know he loves me. I love him too. But this still isn’t right. Eleanor is still his girlfriend.

He looks over his shoulder and sees Eleanor, then looks back at me. He looks torn, as if unsure whether to take my hand and help me in the house or run back to his proper girlfriend and let Anne and Liam take care of me. I make a gesture with my hands for him to _go ahead, go to her_ with a smile on my face and, with a backward glance at me, he heads over to Eleanor.

The ache in my heart is unexplainable as I watch him turn his back from me and go back to that girl. I try to push it down, because if Louis is happy with Eleanor, then I should be happy too. This is what is right.

Anne and Liam help me to the house, and I am greeted by a table full of food and huge colourful banner that says, “Welcome back, Harry!” in the kitchen. I tear up slightly, then hug my mum again, thanking her in my head.

The six of us settle down to eat, and much to my surprise, it isn’t awkward at all. Jay and my mum really are getting long well, and Liam and Louis are surprisingly close. Louis sits across me with Eleanor at his side. I feel my heart stop whenever our eyes meet, then get reminded about Eleanor when she so much as smiles at him or kisses him on the cheek. They are so in love. I should stop.

I do regret not buying him a Christmas present though.

In the middle of the meal, I feel someone’s foot nudge mine. I frown and look under the table, and see a foot in Toms sandals prodding mine. I look up, and see Louis smiling at me with that adorable playful smile I know. He mouths me a “Merry Christmas, Harry”. I smile and stick my tongue out at him, and he chuckles quietly and goes back to his meal. I feel heat creep up my cheeks and I can’t stop the bashful smile that spreads across my face. Seeing that beautiful smile again made me realize that it is quite impossible to get Louis a beautiful enough gift.

Then I glance up, and I see Eleanor staring at me with an unreadable expression on her face.

**

_Louis_

I did not have the guts to give Harry his Christmas present.

The whole time during Christmas dinner at his house, I could not stop glancing his way. There was this glow about him; every time he smiled, it was like I felt some kind of weight lifted off my shoulders little by little. He was so radiant that night that my heart ached every time I looked at him. I suddenly thought of the next Christmases in this house, and how I won’t be here to celebrate with him. It added to the pain.

His beauty was probably the reason I couldn’t bring myself to give him the A&F gift cards I got for him. I had thought it would be a perfect gift, considering how much he loved that shop, but now it only seems to be so cheap, so inappropriate for someone as beautiful as he.

After the dinner, Anne invites all of us – even Eleanor and my mum – to go snorkelling tomorrow. My mum readily agrees, then Liam brings the three of us back to my mum and El’s hotel. They each got separate rooms, and my mum allowed me to sleep with Eleanor tonight.

In the car ride to the hotel, I could not stop thinking about Harry. At one point, Eleanor must have noticed that my thoughts were far away, so she started trailing her hand up and down my thigh, and I couldn’t help but get hard at that. It reached to the point that she actually palmed me through my pants, then whispered in my ear, “What do you say about Merry Christmas sex?” I almost choked at that, and since then I’ve been aching in my trousers.

The moment Eleanor and I get in her room I push her up against the wall and kiss her roughly, her familiar soft girly lips tasting like strawberry lipgloss. She wraps her arms around my neck and hooks one leg over my hip, grinding her crotch against mine. I moan into her mouth, grabbing her ass and squeezing it.

Both of us breathless and flushed, I bring her to the bed and lay her down. I get a condom and some lube from my bag and strip down as she gets naked on the bed. I climb on top of her and kiss her hungrily, so starved of the passion and pleasure that sex brings. She pushes up against me, her naked breasts against my chest.

I kiss down her neck, and she moans out my name. I lap at her nipples, taking them in my mouth and sucking on them. “Louis, aahhh…” I insert a lubed finger into her vagina slowly, and she pushes down onto my hand.

“Faster, Lou, I need you so much,” she moans out, grinding against my finger. “I’ve missed your huge cock so much, love, I just want you to fuck me wide open with it.” I add a second finger, and she gasps. “Lou, stop teasing me, fuck…” I scissor her open, and her gasps and moans fill the room. I kiss her wet pussy and insert my tongue in, making her thrash against the bed at the pleasure.

At the third finger, I hit her prostate, and she almost screams out. “Lou, please, fuck meee…” she groans, pushing her hips up.

“I want you ride me, El,” I growl in her ear, then I flip us over. She puts the condom on me, drizzles lube all over her small smooth hand and pumps my cock with it, and I groan at the pleasure. Soon, I am mesmerized by the up and down motion of her hand, and start to imagine a different hand on my cock, a rather bigger, rougher and manlier one, a hand that belongs to a certain curly-haired boy.

 _No!_ I snap out of my thoughts, not believing I just went over that boundary. I concentrate on Eleanor’s face, reminding myself that it’s her with me. Eleanor and her heart-shaped face and perky breasts and curvy hips and tight wet pussy. I am not with a green-eyed person with a cock.

She lines my cock to her tight hole and slowly sinks down, painfully and achingly slowly. Her wet warmth envelops around my cock, and I grip her hips, trying not to cum from just the feel of her around me.

I wonder what it would be like to have my cock in his ass…

 _Louis! Stop!_ I smack myself internally and concentrate again on Eleanor, who is now seated fully on my cock. Her butt is against my balls, and I playfully push up against her. She lets out a little breathless “oh!”, then leans down to kiss me on the lips deeply. _This is Eleanor. Not Harry. Eleanor. Not Harry._

Then she whispers, “I love you, Lou.”

Normally, I would immediately say it back and start thrusting up to her in total abandon for sweaty and amazing sex, but for some reason, I don’t. I stare into her eyes for a moment, wondering why my throat suddenly feels so closed up. I imagine someone else riding me, someone I relatively just me with beautiful green eyes and an even more beautiful smile. I panic inside, and she must have noticed, because she kind of pulls away before I pull her back in for another deep and tongue-filled kiss.

“Love you too, El,” I say back, and she looks satisfied for a moment before she starts to lift herself up from my cock and sink down. After a while, I meet her halfway, pushing my hips upward. My cock drives into her, and our moans intertwine in the air. Through my haze of pleasure, brown eyes suddenly become green, wavy hair suddenly becomes curly, and I desperately try to get Harry out of my head.

“I’m gonna fuck you now,” I say in a low voice, then I flip us over so I’m on top. I put her legs behind my head and start to thrust into her tight hole relentlessly. She scrambles on my back for purchase as I fuck her nice and wide open, her loud moans driving me to push in deeper.

“Lou – ah, you’re too fast, fuck-“ El says incoherently as I drive my cock into her mercilessly. But no matter what I do, I can’t help but imagine it is Harry wide open and wanton underneath me, my dick slamming into his ass.

I squeeze my eyes shut as I pound into Eleanor, conjuring up an image of Harry naked and sweaty beneath me, his lips glistening and swollen from sucking me off. I fuck her eve faster, and El screams that she’s going to cum soon. I don’t stop, thinking about lust-filled green eyes and sweaty brown curls and a pink tongue poking out the side of a used mouth as I fuck him hard into the mattress.

Eleanor moans out my name when she comes, and the moment I imagine Harry kissing me and whispering “I love you” while spasming around my cock, I spill my load into the condom, riding my orgasm in El’s tight pussy. “Oh, Ha – aahhh…” I catch myself in the middle of my moan.

When I pull out of Eleanor and take the condom off, I feel terribly guilty for getting off on someone else while fucking her. She doesn’t deserve me. I don’t deserve her. Tired and breathless, she presses a soft kiss to my mouth, then reaches for my soft cock and tugs at it again. I wince at the almost-painful flare of pleasure, moaning out loud.

“El, fuck-“ I say as she slithers down my body, her hand trailing down my chest. She stops just above my already-growing cock and eyes it hungrily, and suddenly I’m back in the loft in another time, with another person staring also at my hard cock with glinting green eyes as he smirks at me and touches my zipper and tries to pull it down-

When El’s tongue flicks out to lick my cock, I jerk away. She looks up at me in total confusion, and I say, “El, no.”

“What? Why not?” she says, pouting a little.

“It’s just-“ I scramble for words. “I’m really tired today. I think we should just call it a night.” To appease her, I open my arms and ass, “Care for a Merry Christmas cuddle?”

She smiles in the dark and climbs into my arms, draping an arm over my torso and cuddling up to me. I wrap my arms around her, and remind myself that this is real. This is true. This is right.

Then I Imagine Harry sleeping alone in his lonely bed, tossing and turning in his sleep because of his perpetual nightmares. I squeeze my eyes shut and fight off that image, because that has nothing to do with me now. Harry isn’t my responsibility anymore. I don’t have to feel guilty if I don’t help him. I should feel guilty about fucking my girlfriend while thinking about him.

After a few moments of terse silence, El says quietly, “So it’s Harry, huh?”

I open one eye and look at her. Cautiously, I ask, “What about Harry?”

She looks up at me and touches my cheek. “You love him, don’t you?”

“What? No!” I say, but I can’t stop the alarm from showing in my eyes and the blush that creeps up my cheeks.

El smiles knowingly. “I thought so,” she says, then settles back into my chest.

Gulping, I say, “El, you’ve got it all wrong. I love you and not Harry-“

“Louis, I see the way you look at him,” she interrupts, her calm voice scaring me. Why isn’t she angry? “Everybody sees the way you look at him. I know that Jay suspects something, which is probably why she let you sleep with me tonight.”

I flush, guilt eating away at my heart. “El, I’m so sorry, I just didn’t know how to handle it because I’ve always thought I was straight and when Harry came I just didn’t know what to do-“

She presses a finger to my lips and shushes me, laughing quietly. “Lou, it’s okay. I mean, I don’t want you to leave me – for a boy, if I may add – but I know I can’t compete with him. The way you look at him is so different from the way you look at me. Louis, listen,” she says when I look away from her in shame. “I still love you, I really do. You are the guy I was most serious with, the one who I let take away my virginity. You are the nicest guy I have ever met. I love you so much, and it will be hard to get over you, I’m sure. But I’m willing to do that if it means you’re happy.”

“El…” I breathe out, speechless. She looks up at me with a small smile on her face, but the pain is there, hidden in her eyes. I kiss her once more, and she makes a sobbing sound against my mouth. I feel the tears that streak down her cheeks as she grabs my face and kisses me deeper. Our lips touch, our tongue clash, our bodies intertwine, and it’s all for the last time before Eleanor finally decides to let me go.

She pulls away slowly, and buries her head into my chest. She sniffles, and I start to apologize but she says in a thick voice, “Lou, don’t. I just – I just need this last night with you.”

I look down at her sadly, the pain and guilt aching in my chest. I wrap my arms around her and pull her close, kissing her forehead. “Thank you, El,” I say, and I know I mean it. I couldn’t have asked for a better girlfriend.

She nods against my chest and curls up closer into me, silent and warm. I tighten my arms around her and close my eyes, and together we drift off to sleep for the last time.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I am so very sorry about this terribly late update! I've been so busy with dance (I've got two recitals coming up), and I have had no internet for the past two days (what is my life). But never mind all that, because THE BOYS ARE FINALLY COMING TO MANILA OHMYGOD SHOOT ME BEC I HAVE BEEN WAITING SO LONG FOR THIS IS IT EVEN REAL (Yes, I'm from the Philippines! And I'm so glad they are finally coming. It's a dream come true.)  
> Well, I won't keep you any longer! I am sorry for the sad ending though. :( I love you all!  
> -A

_Harry_

The sun is shining bright today. There are barely any clouds in the sky. A light breeze from the ocean cools the hot Hawaiian air. It’s the perfect day for snorkelling.

Anne, Liam and I meet Lou, his mum and Eleanor at the beach at around ten in the morning. I watch Louis as he greets my mum. He looks a little tired, a bit sluggish, and his blue eyes look cloudy from sleep. There are slight bags under his eyes, and I wonder why he looks so tired.

Then he looks at me, and his whole face just lights up. He smiles that smile I love, the genuine one where the sides of his eyes crinkle, then he walks over to me and pulls me in a tight hug.

“I’ve missed you, Harry,” he whispers softly in my ear, squeezing my shoulders, then pulls away all too quickly. The moment is over, and he walks back to Eleanor – who is clad rather sexily in a blue bikini and a see-through shirt. I stand there for a moment in surprise, staring after him, and then I want him back near me, hugging _me_ , not that girl in expensive-looking shades and soft glistening skin.

I whack myself internally as we head for our little boat. _Stop it, Harry, you know that’s wrong._

But I keep catching Lou make side glances at me, and I can’t help it that my heart beats faster every time our eyes meet.

The little yacht we rented is quite classy, courtesy to the school for helping us pay for it since Lou is here. It has the whole cabin downstairs thing, and even a toilet. You can sunbathe on deck too. There are beanbags and coolers filled with drinks, so it is a pretty sick boat.

We climb in with the help of the people handling the boat. I sit on a beanbag underneath the shade while my mum, Lou’s mum and Liam head downstairs to check out the cabin. El and Lou are taking pictures by the side of the boat. I stare at the two of them, my heart sinking at how perfect they look together. Is it bad that I wish Eleanor falls off? It’s still shallow where we are anyway…

I’ve pulled down my shades and am enjoying the light ocean breeze when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I look behind me and there Louis stands, all big blue eyes and windswept hair. His eyes catch me off guard, because I haven’t seen them so up close in such a long time. I realize that in the middle of the beautiful blue I know there is a smidgeon of green in it. I stare at him, mesmerized. _Can he get any more beautiful?_

Then he smiles, and _yes, he can get more beautiful._ “Harry, let’s have a picture,” he says, taking my elbow and pulling me up. His touch sends butterflies to my stomach.

I try to struggle against him, because I have never really been one for pictures, but Lou’s grip is firm as he brings me to the side of the boat where El stands. He hands her his phone and says, “El, could you take a picture of us?”

“Of course,” El says and takes the phone, all polite and smiley and so girly. Goodness, I hate her.

Lou and I stand at the side of the boat. I am quite camera-shy, so I am glad for the shades covering my face a little. Louis, unfortunately, notices it, so he takes off my sunglasses suddenly and pockets them. Flushing, I try to get it back, scrambling at his shorts.

“Come on, Harry, just show your face in the picture!” he says, laughing a little. I huff and look away from him, crossing my arms. “Aw, Harry, don’t be mad! You’re cute anyway so you have nothing to worry about.” My heart beats faster at his words. I look at him, and his smile is even more dazzling in the sunlight. He glows in its rays, and I blush.

Then Eleanor suddenly laughs out loud, and we both look at her, I in surprise. “You guys are so cute together,” she says, giggling, and I think my eyebrows almost disappear in my curly fringe because did she just say Louis and I look cute? _Together?_

I look to Louis and he looks stricken too, then he sees me glance at him and proceeds to laugh nervously. “Oh, El, you funny little lady,” he says as he fidgets, sounding flustered. “Come on, Harry, she can’t take a picture of us together if you’re standing that far away.”

I oblige and walk closer to him, wondering what this is all about. Why are the both of them acting so strangely?

I stand awkwardly beside Louis, and then he makes a tsk sound and wraps an arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him. My heart stops, because we’re suddenly shoulder to shoulder, and the fact that he’s smaller than I am makes me want to hug him and kiss him and keep him with me forever.

“Okay… that’s it,” Eleanor says. “Alright, now, smile!” Lou’s phone makes a snapping sound, then Eleanor says, “Harry, you have to smile! Come on, let’s do one more.”

I look at Louis pleadingly, and he just smiles smugly at me. “You’ve got to smile, Haz, or I’m never letting you go.” His hand tightens around my waist, and I flush.

_Then don’t._

He looks again towards the camera and smiles, and I can’t look away from him, not when his smile is like the sun and his eyes glitter like the ocean and his lips just look so damn kissable-

 _Snap!_ At the sharp sound, I blink in surprise and look at Eleanor again, who has a small smile on her face.

“One more? Harry wasn’t looking,” she says.

“Harry!” Louis whines, then suddenly he grabs my chin and makes me look to the camera. “Hurry, El! Take a lot of pictures!”

Eleanor snaps pictures of Lou and I with his hand on my chin, and after a while I can’t help but start to giggle quietly because Lou’s hands are still on my waist and my chin and he just _won’t let me go,_ and the silly face he’s making at the camera makes me fall in love with him even more.

“Perfect!” Eleanor says cheerily, handing Lou back his phone. “I ship you guys so much.”

 _Ship?_ I look at Louis confusedly, and he flushes. “I – it’s nothing, Harry, El’s just playing around,” he says, all flustered, then he grabs El’s arm and brings her to the other side of the boat. I hear them talking, with Lou gesturing wildly with his hands and El giggling, but I can’t make out what they’re saying. There is still that irremovable ache in my chest whenever I see them together, the one that tells me it should be me who is standing beside him, not her.

Sighing, I sit down again on the beanbag and close my eyes. I still feel that my face is flushed, and my heart is still racing in my chest. I can feel the imprint of Louis’ fingers on my waist and chin like an everlasting tattoo with pressure, and I touch my cheek, blushing. I try to calm down and take deep breaths. _Relax, Harry. It’s just Louis. Just Louis. Louis._

I open my eyes and I see him glancing my way. When our eyes meet, he kind of flinches then looks away again, starts speaking to Eleanor. I bite my lower lip nervously, wondering once more about his strange behaviour. What the hell has gotten into him?

**

_Louis_

What the hell has gotten into me?

I can’t seem to look at Harry without blushing or stuttering or having the powerful urge to throw myself off the boat and drown in the ocean. He looks especially amazing today, with the sun shining on his perfect tan skin and the sparkle of the sea quite dull in comparison to his eyes. He is that beautiful, and I am that pathetic.

He is now resting on one of the beanbags under the shade, his eyes closed and his long legs stretched out under him. I can’t stop glancing his way and staring at his lips, which he so often licks with his glistening pink tongue. I think about all the things he can do with his tongue, then blush and look away. Such thoughts are highly inappropriate when all I am wearing are board shorts. Very thin board shorts.

And it doesn’t help that Eleanor can’t seem to stop hinting about what I feel for Harry! Every single time she catches me looking to him, she nudges me with her elbow and waggles her eyebrows smugly. Then, when I lightly punch her on the shoulder, she only laughs and presses a kiss to my cheek. That earns me a murderous glance from Harry, and I am lying when I say that jealous Harry does not turn me on.

And what was with that _you look so cute together_ crap? And the shipping? If Eleanor doesn’t stop, I really might just throw myself off the boat in embarrassment. Harry must already suspect something.

I lean on the railing and sigh, the ocean breeze blowing against my face as we skim the waters smoothly. I watch the dazzling blue of the waves and the white foam we leave behind, and I smile. I could never get used to this; the beauty that Hawaii can offer never fails to amaze me.

And again, I have Harry on my mind, with his ethereal green eyes and blinding dimpled smile and that tongue I just can’t stop thinking about. The beauty of Hawaii can never compare to his.

After a while of awkward glances and desperately trying not to get hard at the sight of Harry’s tongue – _deadratsdeadratsdeadrats_ – the boat stops in the middle of the ocean and gets anchored. “They said it’s time for snorkelling!” Anne announces excitedly, the three adults appearing from below deck. Then she heads to Harry, and with an apologetic face she adds, “But Harry, I’m sorry you can’t swim yet. The doctor said you’re not allowed to exert yourself too much and wet that bandage.”

I glance at Harry and see his face fall, his lower lip jutting out to a pout. A part of me is thinking how much I want to bite and nibble on that lip, but another part of me feels a little sad that he isn’t going to come swim with us. I was quite looking forward to seeing him take his shirt off.

_Stop it, Lou. Highly inappropriate thoughts._

El isn’t going to swim either, so it’s just me, Liam and my mum who will be snorkelling. Anne said she’s too conscious to take her shirt off, which I think is ridiculous because she is a beautiful woman. And I don’t mean that in a creepy way whatsoever.

El sits on the beanbag beside Harry as I collect my gear for snorkelling. “Hi, Harry!” I hear her chirp, her hair flouncing. Harry doesn’t say anything, as usual, but I hope he at least tries to smile.

“Hawaii really is beautiful, huh?” El continues, so I assume Harry attempted to be nice. “The sun shines so much brighter here than back at home.”

I hear a rustling of pages and a pencil scratching on paper, and a few moments of silence. I look over my shoulder to them and see El reading off of Harry’s notebook. “Oh, did he?” she says after reading, a smile spreading over her face. “Well, you know Louis, he loves the sun.”

I head over to them. “What are you two talking about, hm? I heard my name,” I say, butting in the conversation. When Harry looks up at me, a flurry of butterflies erupts in my stomach, and I glance away and look at El instead. Someone safer to look at.

“Harry just mentioned that you told him how different the sun is back at home from here,” El says.

“Well, yes, but…” I smile, suddenly remembering what Liam told me the day I arrived here. That seems ages ago. “It’s still the same sun, innit?”

I glance at Harry and see him staring at me. A slow smile spreads across his face, lighting up his eyes and showing those dimples I want to poke. A warm feeling floods in me, crashing against my heart like the waves of the sea against our boat. How I wish I could be the only one in the world to see that smile, to be able to call it truly mine…

He drops his gaze and I look away, flushing. “Well, I – I had better get going then,” I say, turning away and heading over to Liam and my mum who are standing by the side of the boat. I feel a little dizzy aand tingly, and my heart is beating fast in my chest. My stomach’s all in knots, and I make myself breathe slowly to calm myself down.

“You alright, Lou?” Liam asks, and I nod, smiling. He chuckles. “Well, you would want to put on your gear now if you really want to snorkel,” he says. I put the goggles on and take my shirt off, throwing it on one of the beanbags. Then, gripping my tube tightly, I dive in the water right after Liam.

Darkness first, then I surface above, taking huge gulps of air. “Lou! Here’s your life vest!” I hear El shout from the side of the boat. With a deep breath, I submerge myself into the water again, swimming to the direction of the side of the boat where El is waiting. I go up for air, and El throws down the orange life vest at me. I catch it, and struggle a bit to put it on.

“Are you alright down there?” El asks, and I squint up at her. Standing beside her is Harry, though his face is a bit shadowed because he is against the sunlight. I give her a thumbs-up and shout, “The water’s surprisingly cold! You’ll love it!”

She shakes her head in dissent. “I’d rather just stay here, Lou. Have fun!” Then she turns away and disappears from my sight, leaving Harry at the side of the boat. I look up at him, and I see him smile down at me. He lifts up a hand and waves at me, his dark curls blowing in the wind. I wave back and shout, “I wish you could swim with me, Haz!”

He doesn’t answer, only makes swimming motions with his arms. _Go ahead._

I smile up at him, then insert the tube in my mouth and submerge my head. What greets me is a flurry of bright colours and subdued blues. Everywhere I look there are different groups of fishes swimming about in the coral reefs, and my breath is taken away once more at the sight. Just floating on the sea watching life unfold in front of my eyes hearing nothing but the subdued sound of being underwater relaxes me and makes me feel so… peaceful.

After a while of more snorkelling and shoving seawater to Liam – who can really get quite playful – we return to the boat, drying ourselves off quickly. I see Harry staring at me, his eyes travelling down my chest, my stomach, and I flush at his heated gaze and wrap myself in a towel. If Harry continues to stare at me like that, I really might just pitch myself off the boat.

**

_Harry_

After Lou, Liam and Jay snorkel, we head on for home at noon. I get up from my beanbag and head for the side of the boat, my notebook and pencil in hand. I lean on the railing and sigh to myself quietly, my mind in a whirlwind of thoughts.

While Louis was snorkelling, Eleanor told me a lot about him, and their relationship. They have apparently known each other since Lou was eleven and she was twelve, and according to Eleanor they were like brother and sister. Both of them were inseparable, for they both loved to have fun. Louis first asked Eleanor out when she turned fifteen, but she turned him down because she thought it was weird to be dating someone younger than she is. But then, when he asked her out again two years later, she realized that he was actually more mature than any other boy she had ever met. So on the eve of New Year’s Day this year, they began going out. She claims she has never been happier with anyone else, and that Louis is truly a wonderful guy to be with.

“But you know, I think I might have to let him go,” she said, a small smile playing on her lips. I frowned at her, and she answered my question without me even needing to speak. “It’s because I think he’s finally starting to be truly passionate about someone. And it isn’t me.” She then looked at me and smiled once more, then ruffled my curls. “You just think about that.”

Now, I stare out at the waves, which I notice is starting to get quite rocky. It matches the churning now in my stomach and head, because I just can’t make out what Eleanor said. _What does she mean he’s starting to be truly passionate about someone? Who is that someone? Can I even begin to hope that that someone is me?_

I flip my notebook open at the page where I found the first sentence I’ve ever written to Louis. “ _I’ve fucked all the girls I know, and the boys too. Now I want to fuck you, and FYI, you’re the best-looking person I’ve ever laid my eyes on.”_

I laugh quietly at that, stroking my hand across the page gently. I flashback to his first night in the loft, when I first felt his lips move against mine. He tasted so mindblowingly good and amazing and _new,_ and until now I can still feel his mouth on mine and his hands tugging at my hair. I close my eyes and sigh, a small smile playing on my lips. Oh, the things I would do to be able to have his lips fitted against mine once more…

Then suddenly, the boat shakes violently, and in my surprise I let go of my notebook. It’s almost in slow-motion as I scramble to get it back, but it slips from my fingers and drops below in the churning waters of the sea. My heart stops, because all those conversations with Louis, all those words that I’ve ever communicated to him, all gone, _gone_ , just like that-

“Harry!”

I look over my shoulder and see Louis rushing towards me, worry in his eyes. “Are you alright?” I just look at him and shake my head, pointing to the notebook, now floating on the waves like a dead white fish. He looks at the direction I’m pointing at, and his eyes widen. “Is that…?”

I nod vigorously, tears threatening to spill from my eyes. I lean on the railing again, willing my notebook to come back. _I have to save it. I have to._ Then, without thinking, I rush to the stern of the boat, rip my sunglasses off my head and dive into the waters.

Now, living in Hawaii does have its perks. One is that I’m actually a really good swimmer. I used to swim a lot with Gemma when we were younger, and I guess living near a huge body of water just does that to you. It’s probably what has kept me in shape in the past few years; if it weren’t for swimming, I would probably be quite chubby, since I can be quite lazy.

I surface up the water for air, taking huge breaths. I wipe away the seawater from my eyes and look around the vast ocean for my notebook. I squint against the powerful noon sunlight, scanning the glittering sea for it. _Please don’t be too far, please don’t be too far, please don’t be… There!_

I catch sight of my notebook, floating not very far away, then take a deep breath and dive back into the waters. I kick my legs powerfully against the waves that are getting bigger and bigger by the second, but I don’t care. I have to get to that notebook. I come up for hair and take a deep breath then plunge back in, only the conversations in that notebook in my mind. That notebook symbolizes my voice, my secret, and I don’t want to have to lose my voice again.

I snatch it from the waters and breathe deeply, then my eyes squeeze shut as a big wave suddenly crashes into my face. Bewildered, I accidentally swallow some seawater, and then I surface again, coughing and spluttering. I struggle to stay overhead, keeping the notebook above water. _Fuck, the waves are too powerful-_ Another wave crashes over me, and I go underwater, my lungs starting to lose air. I kick myself up and struggle to breathe, but the waves are pushing me under, making it impossible to surface for just one breath. I inhale water, and I feel my lungs filling with it. Panicking, all I can think about is my notebook, and keeping it above me. _Fuck, Harry, you’re going to die, you’re going to die-_

Then I feel strong arms wrap around my waist, pulling me up from the dangerous waters. I surface, coughing and spluttering and gurgling water out of my system. _What – who saved me?_

“He’s got him! He’s got him!” I hear Liam’s voice shout, and my savior wraps my arms around his neck, and he proceeds to swim powerfully. I shake the water from my face and open my eyes, and there Louis is in front of me, swimming against the strong current towards the lifeboat where Liam waits. I stare at him in disbelief and wonder, taking huge gulps of air. His eyebrows are furrowed in concentration, and his lips are pressed in a tight line, but his eyes are still the clear blue I know. My heart stops and there’s suddenly a lump in my throat because _Louis saved me._ I choke back a sob and tighten my arms around his neck, burying my head in his shoulder. _Louis, oh, Louis, thank you._

He lets Liam take me first onto the lifeboat, and I drop to my knees, coughing the remaining water from my lungs. I clutch my destroyed notebook to my chest, not believing that I’m still alive. I hear Louis climbing into the boat and coughing behind me, and I look over my shoulder at him. He looks glorious when wet, his abs glistening with water. He flips his hair out of his eyes, coughing some more.

Then he turns me, and with fury in his eyes he shouts angrily, “What the _fuck_ , Harry?”

I flinch, staring up at him. _Wha – is he mad?_

“What the hell did you do that for? You almost fucking _died_!” he shouts, and I sink into myself, terrified of this angry Louis. His eyes burn with rage, the fierce wind whipping his hair, and he looks like he is capable of beating someone up. That person he wants to beat up seems to be me.

Liam touches his arm and says in a reasonable voice, “Louis, calm down-“ Then Louis shrugs his arm away violently and shouts, “I can’t fucking calm down, Liam!” Then he turns to me again and cries, “Was it for that fucking notebook, Harry? Was it? Did you even think before you dove in the fucking sea? I can’t believe you! You _almost got killed_!”

Tears well up in my eyes. Why is he so angry? All I wanted was to get my notebook back. _Why?_ I sniffle and look down at the floor, and he makes a frustrated sound. I feel horrible now, and I suddenly wish I could have died in the water instead of having to be the target of Louis’ anger.

I hear Liam talking to Louis in a low voice, and Louis responds in angry, hushed tones. “Harry – jumped off – _just like that_ – wasn’t even thinking – stupid – no, _you_ listen to me – that idiot-“

The lifeboat gets lifted up again into our boat, where my mum pulls me in a huge hug and wraps me in a towel. Only then I notice that I’m shaking, but it isn’t even cold. It’s because of the ice in Louis’ eyes.

I glance over at him where he’s standing with Eleanor who’s trying to calm him down, and find him already staring at me. He glares at me once more then turns away, fists clenched in anger. He sits on one of the beanbags facing away from me, and Eleanor goes to him and wraps her arms around him, holding him close. The ache in my hearts worsens and I look away before I start to cry again.

_This is all my fault. Stupid Harry._

My mum sits me down and fuses over me, but I don’t really hear her. I feel blank, empty, without meaning. The boat sails back to the shore, the ocean breeze calm and peaceful again, the noon sunlight still powerful, as powerful as the anger in Louis’ clear blue eyes.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I am so so so so so so so so so so SOOOO sorry that this is soooooo late!!! Everything suddenly got so busy in the last part of summer break then suddenly school started and third year is already such a shitstorm of projects and quizzes and homework even if we're just one month in and I've also got dance troupe training and my regular ballet classes plus family time during Sundays that I just haven't had time to write at all because of exhaustion. I APOLOGIZE SO MUCH, I promised myself that I wouldn't make you guys wait for so long but turns out life fucks me over every time I make a promise. :(  
> So if you've been waiting for this chapter for the longest time, I apologize profusely for its lateness. I still love you guys, if you're reading this and if you're still following this story. I LOVE YOU GUYS MWAH  
> -A

_Louis_

_What the hell did Harry think he was doing? He still wasn’t well! He still had that fucking bandage wrapped around his head! But did that stop him? No! That idiot! Risking his life for a notebook!_

The whole ride back to the shore I sat fuming, not really minding Eleanor who was trying to soothe me. I deliberately sat facing away from Harry, because I couldn’t look at him without wanting to burst into flames of fury. I really could not believe his stupidity. He had me – _all of us_ – so worried about him.

The moment we arrive onto shore, I step out of the boat and trudge back to the house and into my room, slamming the door behind me. I sit on my bed and clench my fists, gritting my teeth. I’m still shaking from the anger in me, and maybe I look really childish storming in my room and locking myself up, but the fact still remains that Harry has to apologize to everyone for getting us all worried. And for being downright stupid.

A few minutes later, I hear my door creaking open slowly. I look up and see Anne standing by the doorway. “May I come in?” she asks, as if she doesn’t own this house. After a moment I nod, and she closes the door behind her and makes her way to me.

She sits beside me on the bed and says, “Harry’s resting in his room. Would you like to go see him?”

I look at her, and she is smiling at me kindly, sadly, almost as if she pities me in my angry state. She can see right through me. _I should have known._ I sigh and close my eyes, shaking my head. Images of Harry diving in the water keep replaying in my mind, making my heart clench and my head pound. The fact that he almost drowned filled me with such terrible anxiety that rage took over and made me shout at him, when what I really felt was the fear of losing him.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Anne says, her eyes downcast. She still has that small smile playing on her lips. “You were only worried for him.”

After a moment, I nod slowly. “Yes, I was. Anne, I’m sorry,” I add, facing her. She looks to me, and I say, “I really didn’t mean to get so angry at your son. It’s just that – I just – I was feeling so many things all at once and being angry was the easiest among those. I guess that’s why I exploded at him. He – he probably hates me now.” I can’t help it that my voice cracks at the word ‘he’.

“Louis, you know that’s impossible,” Anne says, taking hold of my hand and squeezing it. “He may dislike you at a certain moment, or feel annoyed by some things you do, but he will never, _ever_ hate you.”

My heart clenches at that, and Anne must see the worry in my eyes because she squeezes my hand even tighter. “I’m not angry that you got mad at my son. It’s alright with me,” she says. Then she pats my hand gently and smiles at me. “But I think you’re apologizing to the wrong person.”

Then she stands up and says, “There will be a post-Christmas party at the beach tonight. I’ve already invited Jay and Eleanor. You will come won’t you?” Then her smile goes wider. “Harry never misses it.” And, without waiting for an answer, she exits my room, smile still on her face.

After she leaves, I lay on my bed for a while, staring at the ceiling, unable to keep my heart from racing with the knowledge that the only thing that separates me from Harry is literally a concrete wall. However am I going to apologize to him? The image of Harry sitting on the lifeboat enters my mind, his eyes wide and scared as he looks at me getting angry. It’s not going to be easy to get him back.

Then an idea pops into my mind, and I slowly smile because of it. It may not work, but it’s the best shot I’ve got.

_Harry_

Persistent knocking wakes me up from my sleep. My head aches horribly as I sit up slowly from my bed. I look out the window and see that the sky is turning dark, the oranges fading into black. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to remember what happened to me and why I feel so much like shit.

Slicing through my jumbled thoughts is still that persistent knocking, and I groan internally as I get up from my bed and head for the door. I open my door a crack and squint my eyes, and I see Niall and Ed standing outside.

When they see me, Niall immediately shouts, “Harry!” and barrels into the door, tackling me into a huge hug and making me stumble backwards, catch my foot on the carpet and land hard on my arse because of Niall’s weight. I grit my teeth at the pain as he squeezes me hard, saying things like, “Harry, you’re alive!” and “Shit, Harry, you always get us so worried!”

Then suddenly the weight of his body is off me, and I can breathe again because Ed has just pulled Niall off me. “Get off him, Niall, he can’t breathe,” Ed says, and Niall smiles sheepishly. “Sorry, Harry,” he apologizes, and I shake my head, holding up a hand. _It’s okay._ Ed offers me a hand to help me get up; I take it and he pulls me to my feet, giving me a hug also and patting my back. “I’m glad you’re okay,” he says.

“What happened, Harry? Anne’s told us the story, but we’d like to hear it from you,” Niall says when Ed pulls away. I hold up a hand for them to wait and I stumble back onto my bed, closing my eyes and willing my headache to go away. When it is a tolerable ache, images of what happened this morning come into my head. _The gust of wind. The rocking of the boat. The notebook slipping from my hands. Swimming against the current. Being pulled underwater. Scattered pages. Warm arms around me. Blazing blue eyes._

I realize I can’t write anything down to explain because my notebook is wet and probably completely ruined. I feel an ache in my chest at that, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I look up at my friends and see them staring back at me, worry clear in their eyes. Again, I feel horrible for making them worry about me. It seems I’ve been doing that so many times lately. So I get up from my bed, and hug both of them tight at the same time, closing my eyes and thanking whatever godly being there is for giving me the best friends anyone could ever have.

I pull away from them and look at both of them in the eyes, asking them silently to forgive me. Ed gets it. “What are you sorry for, Haz?” Ed says, his mouth quirking up. He pulls me into a one-armed hug and pats me on the shoulder. “Quit it with that puppy-dog face. Silly.”

“Yeah, Haz, we’re just glad you’re okay, and well enough to go to the party later at the beach,” Niall adds, winking. “You never miss it, and we aren’t allowing you to miss it this year. And besides…” The blonde smiles. “Zayn is quite anxious to see you.”

The thought of seeing Zayn again makes me happy, yes, but at the same time, queasy. Will he be angry at me for putting myself into danger again? I hope not.

I smile at Niall and Ed, my spirits lifting a little as we walk out of my room altogether. The sense of normality and fun I have with them relaxes me, and I find that my smile isn’t so very forced anymore. Though as we pass by Louis’ closed door, my smile fades a little. Niall and Ed catch it.

“He’ll be in the party, I’m sure of it,” Ed reassures me, and Niall pats me on the back. I nod slowly and think positively, trying to reassure myself that he will be there and won’t be trying to avoid me.

**

The beach party is pretty amazing. Like every year, the organizers set up this huge bar lining the beach that gives out a lot of different alcohol and wine. Right across it is a long strip of dance floor and some chairs and tables where people can drink and rest. Neon lights flash from light stands surrounding the area, and there are dozens of massive speakers scattered everywhere, giving the whole beach a party feel to it. It is a pretty sick party, if you ask me. Every single year.

I am dancing in the sweaty crowd with Zayn, and the music is pounding and making my heart bang against my chest, but I don’t really feel up to it. The party definitely is awesome and completely off the hook, but the fact that I haven’t seen Lou in the two hours I’ve been here nags at the back of my head.

“You okay, Haz?” Zayn shouts over the music, frowning at me worriedly. I nod and make myself smile a bit at him, not really wanting to explain myself.

We dance for a few minutes, then when the jumpy song ends a slower, sweeter ballad plays, and I hear whistles and whoops going off all around me. Couples start to get together and slow dance, so I raise an eyebrow at Zayn and ask him the question with my eyes. _Do you want to dance?_

He smiles a sweet smile at me. “How can I say no?” He takes my hand and puts his other arm around my waist, pulling me close. I giggle quietly, because this is the first time I have ever slow danced, and I’m doing it with my best friend.

Then I wonder what it feels like to slow dance with a certain blue-eyed, feathery-haired lad instead.

I rest my head on Zayn’s shoulder, sighing quietly. The music sways us side to side, makes everyone go all quiet and sentimental. I find that I like it, but as much as I treasure Zayn in my life, deep in my heart I wish I were sharing this special moment with someone else. I close my eyes and allow myself to imagine that the hand I’m holding is smaller and smoother, that the person pressed against me smells of mint chocolate and men’s perfume instead of Zayn’s car smell. I imagine his sweet, high voice whispering sweet nothings into my ear, filling me up and making my heart want to burst.

I stop at that before my imagination begins to run wild. It hurts too much already.

“So, Haz…” I look back at Zayn when he speaks, raising my eyebrows at his inquiring tone. “Did you get Louis anything for Christmas?”

My heart beats faster just at the mention of his name. I frown at the strange question, then shake my head no. What is up with that?

“Oh, well… that – that’s a shame,” Zayn stutters, and my frown deepens. Zayn never stutters. What’s gotten him so nervous?

“Well, did he – uh, did he get you a gift?” he continues, not really making eye contact with me. I shrug, making it look like I don’t care, when in reality my heart is sinking with the realization that Louis really didn’t get me a Christmas gift either.

Zayn knows me all too well to hide something from him, because he squeezes my hand reassuringly. “I’m sure Louis’ got something up his sleeve, Haz, don’t you worry.” I look up at him gratefully, tears springing to my eyes, and smile slowly at him.

“No problem, Haz,” he says, kissing my forehead gently.

I rest my head on his shoulder again, thoughts caught up in Louis. I look up then at the crowd and startle because I think I see a flash of Louis’ hair somewhere in the crowd not far from us, but I can’t be sure.

Zayn and I are dancing again to another party song when I hear a female voice calling out my name over the loud pumping music a few minutes later. “Louis… Louis!” I look over my shoulder and scan the crowd for the source of the voice, then see Eleanor making her way towards me, huge smile on her face. She stops in front of me, and I see she is wearing a rather tight black dress and is barefoot. I raise my eyebrows at the sight of her sand-dusted feet, and she laughs.

“I’m embracing the fact that I’m in a party where I can’t wear heels,” she shouts with a loud giggle, and I notice she’s already quite tipsy.

“Anyway, I’ve been looking all over for you!” she continues, grabbing my arm. “You’ve got to come with me.” Then without giving me a chance to react, she yanks me from Zayn and drags me away from the gyrating crowd.

She leads me to one of the tables near the bar, and I stop in my tracks when I see Louis sitting there. He is holding a drink in his hand and laughing with one of his friends from his year, and I find myself missing that bright smile like nothing else in the world. I hear his laugh, and it digs the hole in my chest even deeper. I’ve been gaining him and losing him all Christmas, and I don’t think I can take any more of the pain it brings.

Then he sees me, and his smile fades away. His eyes meet mine from across the table, suddenly intense and burning and oh-so-blue. He swallows, and then stands up all of a sudden, almost knocking his chair backwards.

“I’m going to get another drink,” he announces to no one, even if his glass isn’t even half-empty. “Ty, you coming?” When Ty – his friend – just frowns at him, points to his glass and starts to say something, Lou grabs his arm and drags him away before he can get a word out. He doesn’t glance at me even once as he leaves.

I hang my head, glaring at the sand and trying to keep the tears in. I breathe in and out slowly through my nose, trying to calm myself down. _He’s still angry, Haz. Maybe give him some time, and surely it will be alright again._

_But how long can I take waiting before I completely break down?_

“That’s odd,” Eleanor says beside me, and I look at her frowning. _What is?_

She looks at me and shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t know, Harry, I just… I thought he wanted to see you. He was talking to Zayn awhile ago about giving you something for Christmas.”

My eyebrows shoot up and my heart starts to pound. Is that the reason for Zayn’s question’s earlier? Hope starts blooming in my heart. I bring Eleanor to the edge of the table and kneel. I write a single word on the sand, and take her hand to pull her down so she can see.

_When?_

“Uhm…” She frowns. “I think it was a few minutes before Zayn left the table to dance with you.” Then her eyes widen and she snaps her fingers loudly. “Oh! And after about thirty minutes, he stood up from his chair and said he would look for Zayn. I think that was a bit before the slow ballad played.”

I remember seeing the flash of Louis’ hair in the crowd earlier. I put two and two together, then my heart sinks even lower. By any chance, did Lou see Zayn and I slow dancing together? I clench my fists, anxiety gnawing at my heart. I can’t have him get the wrong idea. I love Zayn, but that love isn’t the same love I have for Louis. Not even close.

I stand up and turn away from Eleanor, wanting to get away from the deafening music and the pulsing energy from everyone. I put my hand on my forehead, trying to soothe the headache starting to pound against my skull.

“Wha – hey! Harry!” I ignore Eleanor’s calls to me as I weave through the crowd, heading to the direction of my house, which isn’t that very far from the party. I block out everything around me, just wanting to get out of here and be in the peace of my own mind. Her calls and the music become softer as I approach my house, and I sigh in the relative quiet of the night. Maybe I’ll stay in the loft to relax and clear my head.

Then when I get to my front door and find it locked, I realize my mum has the keys and she is still sitting with her mummy friends in a table at the party. I groan inwardly, plopping myself down on the porch steps. All I need is the serenity and familiarity of the studio loft, and even that I can’t have.

I look up at the stars and think of Louis, and almost immediately I feel tears stinging at the back of my eyes. I blink rapidly to stop them from flowing, clenching my fist. My throat closes up and I feel sick to the stomach, thinking about how much he must hate me now. Again, the image of his mad, fiery blue eyes in my mind makes my head hurt, because even in his anger his eyes are the brightest I have ever seen.

I don’t know how long I sit there staring at the string of lights in the night sky before I hear a crunch of footsteps on the sand coming my way. I peer in the darkness, and make out a figure of a girl. As she draws nearer and into the reaches of my porch light, I realize it’s Eleanor.

I stare at her silently as she settles herself down beside me on the porch steps. I look at her, wondering why she followed me. She doesn’t say anything for a while, only puts her chin on her hand and stares straight ahead.

When she finally speaks, she says, “I was right, you know. About Lou wanting to see you.”

_Then why isn’t he here?_ I drop my gaze and stare at my shoes, biting my tongue before I scream in frustration. The hole in my heart gets even wider.

“He wouldn’t tell me why, though. It’s like he and Zayn are in on their own little secret.” She shrugs, shaking her head. “Men. I’ll never understand them.” Then she looks at me and says, with urgency, “I just want you to be happy. I have no idea why, but if Louis is what it takes to make you happy, then so be it.”

I look at her in surprise, not sure if I understood her correctly. Did she just say I can have Louis for myself?

She sees the surprise in my face and smiles gently, sweetly. “Don’t look all surprised, Harry,” she says teasingly. “I see the way he looks at you, you know. Ever since I got here, he’s never looked at me like that anymore.” She sounds sad, so my mouth curves down to show I’m upset. I begin shaking my head, not wanting to be the reason why they break up when she sounds so heartbroken, but she just shakes her head and smiles ruefully.

“It’s alright, Harry, I think it really is meant to be that Lou would come here and find you,” she says. Then she looks up at the sky and she adds, “It’s like you’re Earth and he’s the brightest comet racing towards you and, without any doubt, he eventually collides with you and changes your world forever.” She smiles. “Collide by Howie Day.”

I smile too, knowing that song. She sees me smile and asks excitedly, “You know that song?” I nod vigorously, and her smile grows wider. “I’ve always found that song really sweet.” She giggles, and adds, “Now it’s your theme song with Lou!”

I feel my face heat up and I start to shake my head vigorously, the thought of Louis singing it to me making my blood rush to my face. El erupts into a fit of giggles, gasping, “Oh, Harry! You are such a cutie! You are so red!” My face heats up even more, and I look down at my hands embarrassed, wondering when I got so easy to read.

Maybe since it was when Louis came and showed me how he conveyed his emotions just through the faces he made.

El’s giggles die down, and she smiles at me fondly, then ruffles my curls. “You’re alright, Harry. I so badly wanted to hate you, but you’re alright.” I smile at her, feeling all warm inside for some reason. “You’ll make Lou happy,” she adds, and I blush again.

Then I remember his angry face, his eyes intense, and my smile fades away. She sees me, and frowns in concern. “Why, Harry? What’s wrong?” Then she reaches in her purse and pulls out her phone, handing it to me. “Here, type it in Notes.”

I take it from her and type, _Lou’s angry at me now. He hates me now, remember?_

She reads it, then looks at me straight in the eye. She suddenly grabs my shoulders and grips me hard, making me flinch. She shakes me once, and says in a loud firm voice, “Louis will _never_ hate you. I repeat. Ne. Ver.” She pulls away and shrugs at my surprised face. “It’s impossible. Well, I think it is, and Anne as well.”

After a while, I nod slowly, hoping to God – or whatever heavenly being there is – that she’s right.

Then she jumps to her feet with a huge smile on her face and says in a cheery voice, “And now that that’s settled, it’s time to party!” She turns to me and holds out her hand for me to take. “Come on, Harry, let’s dance!”

I stare at her hand, and after a moment of decision, I stand up and put in her hand not my hand but her phone. I sit back down on the steps, and she looks at her phone in confusion, then back at me. “You aren’t going back to the party?”

I shake my head no, and she looks at me for a while, reading my face. “You don’t want to see Louis again, do you?” I bristle a bit at how easily she read me, and hang my head. I don’t want to see him again tonight, laughing and smiling and being happy without me beside him.

Then she crouches in front of me and rests a gentle hand on my shoulder, making me look up at her. She looks at me in the eyes, serious. “You know, he broke up with me the day you got out of the hospital.” My eyes widen in surprise, and she nods. “Yes, he did. I was surprised, of course, but not too much. I was with him when we were waiting for you to wake up, and I have never seen him so scared and anxious. Every sound he heard just made him jump. He was like a live wire,” she says. “That was probably the moment I realized he cared more about you than he did me. So I accepted it, even without him knowing.” She smiles. “So don’t be afraid, Harry. You two are meant to be.”

Then she stands up and ruffles my hair with a small smile, and turns away from me and heads back to the party, not looking back once.

I stare at the darkness for a while, my mind whirling. Realizations begin to clear my head, and in no time I am standing up and heading towards my mother’s garden. I know now what I have to do, but first I must seek advice.

_Louis_

Anne, Eleanor, my mum and I head back home, spirits high from the party. The three ladies giggle and laugh as they make their way to the house, and I lag behind a little. Inside my jacket is the gift I have for Harry, and in my head I have no idea what to say to him when I give it.

I feel the square of it against the side of my chest, like a part of Harry is constantly close to me. My heart aches at the thought, because I know how untrue that is in reality.

Zayn did explain to me that the slow dance meant nothing special to him, and he was sure that Harry didn’t have any special feeling towards it either, but it still made me jealous. Heartbreakingly jealous. The moment I saw Zayn kissing Harry’s forehead and the small dimples that graced his cheeks when he smiled at Zayn made me want to tear them both apart from each other and keep Harry for myself. But then I turned away and headed back to Ty, not wanting to do anything rash.

“Where’s Harry?” I hear Anne saying ahead of me, so I look up and see the three standing on the porch looking around confusedly.

“I just left him here awhile ago,” El says, and I frown.

“You talked to him awhile ago?” I ask, unable to hide my curiosity.

She smiles at me. “Yes, we had a little chat about some things I can’t tell you about.” She winks, and I roll my eyes, shrugging it off even if the curiosity gnaws away at me. What did they talk about?

Then I spot a piece of paper on top of the swing, and I pick it up. I recognize the handwriting all too well – it’s Harry’s.

_Mum,_  
I’ve gone to visit Gemma tonight. I might stay the night there; it is already three in the morning, so I thought that I could sleep there anyway. We haven’t visited Gemma in a while, after all. And the groundskeeper knows me, and I think he pities me, so maybe he’ll let me stay. Please don’t come after me now. Maybe later in the morning you can pay a visit to her with me. I’ll see you in a few hours.  
Harry

“Anne,” I say, my eyes still on the paper. She comes over to me, and I wordlessly hand over the note. As she reads it, Eleanor comes over to me and asks, “Was that from Harry?” I nod in response.

Then Anne finishes reading, and Eleanor asks her, “Where has he gone?”

“He’s gone to visit Gemma, the precious boy,” Anne says, folding up the paper and tucking it into her pocket.

“What, in the cemetery? At this late in the night?” Eleanor exclaims, surprised. Anne just nods and turns away, unlocking the door. “Aren’t you coming after him?” she persists as Anne lets us in.

“Harry has been visiting her that way ever since,” Anne says, not making any eye contact with us. “He just prefers it that way.”

I stay silent, looking at the door. My feet itch to start walking and get to the cemetery to see Harry, but what he said in the letter is clear. He obviously wants to be alone. And yet, I feel my body just wanting to bolt out of the door and finally be beside him, to have my heart beating right against his.

“Louis,” Anne says suddenly, and I look to her guiltily, feeling caught in the act of selfishly ignoring Harry’s direct wish. But there is no anger in her face; she looks calm, and she smiles at me. “Do whatever you have to.”

A beat of understanding passes between us, and without another word I bust out the door and down the porch steps, starting to run towards the road of trees. I remember the cemetery being at the end of the road, and I have no problem running the whole stretch of the road to it.

About halfway, I stop to catch my breath and suck in air desperately, checking my watch. It’s already a quarter past three, which means I’ve been running for twenty minutes already since I left the house. I place my hands on my knees, gasping and coughing. Maybe I acted too rash. I didn’t think about the journey on the way there. It is a pretty long stretch of road after all. I curse, scolding myself for my impulsiveness.

Then I see car lights at the far end of the road coming towards me. I stare in wonder as I realize it’s Zayn’s car, and I step aside as he stops in front of me. The window rolls down, and there Zayn is, and he’s shouting at me, “Get in the car, I’ll get you to the cemetery!” and I’m opening the car door and slamming it shut behind me, relief filling me at the air conditioning. I am sweating quite profusely from the running.

Zayn only says one thing the whole car ride, and it’s at the end when I’m about to get out of the car. “You better give it to him, alright?” he says, looking at me intently. My throat closing up, I swallow and nod, not allowing myself to speak. He nods, then adds, “Just ask the groundskeeper where Harry is. He would know.”

I nod again, slamming the door shut. Then I lean in the open window and say breathlessly, “Zayn.”

“Yeah?” He looks at me, and for a moment when our eyes meet, I find myself understanding him completely, both of us having as much love for Harry as the other, though the love is not quite the same. I see myself mirrored in his eyes, and I know that, from then on, Zayn would be one of the people I would always look to whenever I needed anybody.

“Thank you,” I finish, and in those two words I pour out my gratitude, my understanding towards him. He gets it, and smiles warmly at me. He gives me a two-fingered salute, then drives away, leaving me alone in front of the cemetery.

I turn around and see the gate lighted only by two lampposts that give out flickering, ghostly orange light. It looks positively creepy, and I wonder how Harry has always had the courage to visit Gemma at night alone like this. I realize Harry must have loved Gemma unlike anyone he has ever loved, and I find myself falling even deeper in love with him.

Him with the unruly mess of brown curls. Him with the irresistible pair of green eyes. Him with the smile that could light up a million galaxies. Him with the lips that refuse to speak.

I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to figure out, but I know it’s him. He’s the one that’s meant for me. Out of the billions of people in this world, I have managed to find my one and true love, my soulmate, my partner in forever. I don’t want to have him slip away, not when he’s so within my reach. Right now, at this moment, I know he is the one I love, the one I will cherish truly and infinitely. He is Harry.


	14. Chapter 14

Hello to all the readers!  
  
I'm so so sorry to inform you all that I will discontinue writing this fic! I've been incredibly busy this year and I hope you all do understand that school comes first (sadly). I am planning to rewrite this whole fic after finishing this oneshot I've been working on for the longest time, so make sure to look out for that! The idea behind this fic still gives me the chills, so you don't have to worry about this fic not making a comeback! I still do write, but the process just keeps getting interrupted because of school stuff... I know, _ugh_.

Also, a huge, gigantic, elephant-sized, **_massive_** thank you to those who always check up on this fic in case for an update!!! You guys mean the world :)

-A

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget to tell me what you think about my story! Feel free to comment and criticize. :) Thank you endlessly for making it this far! Mwah!  
> -A


End file.
